I have been faffing about writing things and deleting them for days. I'm loathe to post something entirely miserable but I have been feeling very out of sorts. I'm somewhat adrift without my training because, of course, it is more than just running/cycling/swimming/weight training. It's my stress relief and my therapy, it's what keeps me going and gives me a focus. My body no longer feels like my own but, on the plus side, I feel like I am properly on the road to recovery now. I still have a lot of fatigue but my skin has lost that grey tinge and I'm slowly gaining some weight back. That's started to normalise things for me a little and my mood has definitely started to pick up again. I find myself making plans for later in the season and thinking ahead. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't worried about the amount of fitness I've lost - no conditioning whatsoever, muscle loss, zero cardio capability! I'm going to be running on sheer grit and determination till I get back into shape.
Physical stuff aside, my confidence has taken a hell of a knock. I guess I hadn't realised how much of my self-esteem was tied up in being "strong". Worse, I worry that this affects how other people view me. I don't want to be seen as weak. It has not been helped by a couple of friends who have really not been there for me at all. It saddened me and made me question myself at a time when I was already very much in doubt. That said, most people have been beyond fabulous looking out for me and helping out where they can and I've been really touched by that. Alas, it does make the fair weather friends look even worse in comparison. I suspect that ultimately it says a lot more about them than it does about me but, hard as I am on myself, my instinct is to see it as poor judgement on my behalf. Like I'm a fool for thinking they were ever going to be capable of better. I suspect the reality is that they are just full of it! Whatever the case is, it's up to me how I respond to it and how I deal with it. I am only responsible for my own actions and I can only interact with people in a way that feels genuine to me. I want nothing more to do with people who only want to know me when I'm up and strong and oozing positivity. There will always be ups and downs and if everything happens to be falling apart, I'm not going to lie and say I feel fabulous just to save someone else a moment of discomfort, especially when it generally takes very little to make me feel better. A text, a hug, a crap joke, a distraction - the work of seconds but worth a whole lot more to me.
It's also made me think more about how I treat other people. I have a tendency to shut myself away when things get a bit tough. My best friend had a very frank conversation with me about this very thing! There was lots of crying and hugging ... and more crying.
Logically I know that the unknown is scarier and induces more anxiety than knowing what you are dealing with, no matter how crappy that may be. I didn't have enough insight to apply it to my own strategies though. I have a tendency to batten down the hatches and then reappear when I'm feeling better. Somehow it did not occur to me wonder what everyone else is left thinking when I suddenly drop off the radar. I'm kind of embarassed at how short-sighted I've been there but I'm lucky that Eilidh had the balls to discuss it with me. I guess what I thought of as keeping my head down looks, from the other side, very much like me shutting people out. So I have spent a bit of time writing a few letters and emails to friends, getting back in touch with people who I may have shut out. It's strange and it's probably one of the more awkward and scary tasks I have assigned myself but I do feel better for it. I probably sound like a 12-Stepper but there's definitely something worthwhile about taking responsibility for yourself, about owning your own shit. We don't always behave impeccably and I don't believe we have to. What I do believe is that we should act with honesty and compassion, with integrity and empathy as far as we are able. You don't have to be perfect ... but you do need to have the balls to admit when you're wrong, to be open to others' opinions and to apologise when you cock things up. I've said a couple of apologies this week and in doing so, have let go of a whole load of negative crap that was cluttering up my head. I still have work to do (as always) but it's a relief to be moving forward rather than staying mired in the past.
If nothing else, it's keeping me occupied till training resumes :)
