Brought to you by the letter P

There are lots of Ps to counteract my Ds. Positive, present, pfabulous (silent p there, oh yes - hons in Language, don't argue)

The thing is, I think. A lot. Sometimes those thoughts need to be purged. Sometimes I do that here. It's not a pity party, it's just me getting my shit in order so I can move on to the next thing, often a more important thing as it happens.

So the important things in my world this week are pull strength and pillions.

I am still continuing with the triathlon training - essentially my cardio workouts will continue to be a mix of running, biking (spinning mostly) and swimming but we don't just do cardio, do we? Oh hell no. I love my strength training ... but I'm shifting the focus slightly.

When I was younger, I did a fair amount of climbing. Somewhere along the way, that tailed off. I went maybe once or twice last year but that's about it. Part of it is a confidence thing - it takes cojones to get yourself up there, no two ways about it. The other part of it is trust. I need to be able to trust the dude on the other end of the rope with my life. I have only ever really climbed successfully with a couple of partners (an ex and my best friend) but it seems that I have now come across someone else I can trust ... and it feels like I've been brought back to life. I can't quite believe I'm climbing again! It's like trying on the jeans you wore when you were 18 and finding they still fit - and that they suit you better than anything else ever did. But, being me, I find myself thinking about power to weight ratios and should I lose a few more pounds for easy handling (I don't think so - I suspect I am fairly dinky just now but I never really know). In any case, pull strength needs to be worked on. I fear there may be Frenchies in my future (if you don't know what they are, google them ... and weep!) I don't entirely look like a climber. My new fella ... he totally does (which, I'm not going to lie, is quite exciting - I really like that lean, sinewy thing). Forearms to die for is my final word on that subject. Whee! :D

So yes, upper body strength needs to worked on. As a woman, I'm aware that my upper body strength is well above average but I can always work on increasing it and, more importantly, honing it to the task at hand. There will be press ups in various positions and my grip strength also needs some work. I have arthritis in both my hands which will make things more difficult but I'm a big believer in doing the best with what you've got. Crapulous joints or not, I have a lot more mobility and strength than I used to and I earned it.

The other P that has been on my mind is pillion, also known as "riding bitch". I have recently been reintroduced to the joys, terrors and cold numb bottom of motorbikes. I had completely forgotten what it was like ... and a part of me feels a little guilty for even doing it. It is not terribly safe. Even in with leathers, gloves, helmet and with a safe rider in front of you, you are at the mercy of other road users and the elements. But sweet baby Jesus is it exhilarating! You feel incredibly exposed but at the same time, completely at one with your rider, the machine, the road. It's a weird and awesome and almost terrible sense of connection. It's an odd one for me: they say no man is an island. Well, 98% of the time this woman is. I felt exceptionally at odds with myself getting up there. I may possibly (haha!) have a few control freakish tendencies so putting myself completely in someone else's care was a tricky thing. It speaks volumes about the man himself really that I was willing to give it a go in the first place.

This may sound awful but I have never hankered after a run of the mill sort of guy. I don't want someone who's idea of a good time is getting pissed while watching the football and then buying me crappy flowers from the all night garage on the way home before staggering into the bedroom thinking he's bloody Elvis. That won't do. Sweet but dim also doesn't cut it (sexy or not) and I tried my best with Mr I'm a Pilot I Fly a Big Plane and Drive a Porsche but fast machines do not make up for a lack of personality. I need someone thoughtful, somewhat eloquent, someone with a brain that he knows how to utilise. There needs to be mutual thought provocation and support. I can't be with someone who will ultimately bore the crap out of me and let's face it, thinking someone is 'fit' is just the barest step on the road to real attraction and satisfaction. Some of the people who I have initially been most attracted to physically have become almost repulsive to me once their true personalities have come to the fore. Others have just bored me because there was nothing of interest beyond a nice set of guns. I've got a set of those, I don't need anyone else's unless they come as part of a grander package.

It's early days for me and the new man-meat (don't worry, he won't mind that objectification) but I'm happy enough to see how things go. Quite apart from anything else, he has been there to support me through some really tough stuff in the past week. I know it wasn't easy for him to be there holding my hand through the worst of it. Clearing up other people's messes is never easy (your own are bad enough, right?) and I don't know that I would have behaved quite so admirably if our positions had been reversed.  And he doesn't bring me crappy garage flowers - he sneaked me some eidelweiss from an Alpine pass instead. I think he kind of rocks, just a little bit :)

This post is brought to you by the letter D

There are lots of things that begin with the letter D; some of them are good, some bad, some downright bloody awful. Dogs for example, generally a good thing. Dysentery? Not so much. Things here have been quite firmly entrenched in the poopy end of that scale.


We have delays and discomfort. There should have been photos to post today but there's going to be a delay. In terms of physique, it's all on point and ready to go. However, I took a bit of a tumble a few days ago. Black, blue and bikini-ed is not really what I was hoping for! I also had a medical procedure a couple of days ago which, while minor, has left me in a bit of discomfort. After all my hard work, I have no intention of half-assing it at the final hurdle. Hopefully by next week, I'll be fighting fit and ready to rock it the way it deserves.

Dynamics and just desserts. There are things going on in my life which I have no need to discuss here other than to say that I've been feeling a bit worn down by all that's gone on lately. I don't exactly know what I believe in terms of fate or karma or any of that but I have been left wondering if I have some great big in-built trouble magnet. I would be a horrible person indeed if I actually deserved all the crap that I've had to deal with over the past few months ... and I genuinely don't think I am. So how do I learn to deal effectively with the bad shit? How do I make myself a bit more bullet-proof?

When it comes to training, I am goal-orientated and focused. I look at the big picture, decide what I need to do to get me there and then I just go and do it. It is that simple. However, this is something I do not do in my personal life, at all. Real life has a lot more variables and I struggle to apply the same single-mindedness. Putting myself first is not something that comes naturally to me - I'm a middle child and it shows! I will not ever manage to put myself first and say screw everyone else, not going to happen. What I do need to overcome is the urge to smooth things over and make it all okay for everyone, even at my own expense. How many times have I said, "Don't worry about it, it's fine" when it was anything but fine. Too many. That person may then go away feeling just dandy but it leaves me feeling like death. I need to work on my self-preservation skills. I know a lot of people who (it seems to me) behave appallingly and all in the name of making sure their own asses are covered. I am never going to be comfortable with that degree of self-centredness but I also don't have to make myself more unhappy just trying to keep the peace. I'm thinking there needs to be something a bit more egalitarian going on and it's up to me to instigate that. After all, people can only walk over you if you're lying down - upright stance required!

I'm also thinking that I have some friendships where the dynamics of that will not go down too well. In my heart, I know that these people are not truly my friends but the process is painful nonetheless. I guess it's like lancing a boil - unpleasant but probably necessary.

Decisions. I have decided, after an awful lot of thought, that I will not be taking part in next year's VLT. I am not the sensible sort of person who has savings and money put aside for a rainy day and all that jazz. Let's just say I had an unexpectedly rainy day last week so financially, there is no way I can justify it. Triathlon training will continue - things will pick up again and I'm fairly certain I can find plenty of races closer to home to compete in. It is the right decision, though I can't help feeling slightly disappointed about it. Hopefully, I will still manage a jaunt down to support my RF buddies who are competing. You know I have the poms poms ready and waiting, right?

The final decision is that I've had my time of hibernation and I need to get back out there. I needed a little time away just to get a few things sorted and this is the first time I've been wise enough to do so. Usually, I just keep truckin' and it ends in spectacular disaster! Thanks to all who have dropped me messages - you are a bloody lovely bunch and I'm lucky to know you.

One last thing: a little thank you to the D-man. Judicious application of cuddles, cocktails and laughter very much appreciated (and the flying was a fab bonus!) Thank you buddy :)

Getting closer

First of all apologies - it's been brought to my attention that, once again, people are having problems leaving comments. I'm sorry for that, it's frustrating for all concerned. I would say give me a shout if you're having problems, but how you gonna do that huh? Hopefully it'll be ironed out soon but in the mean time, try leaving the check box for keeping yourself signed in unchecked (blogger equivalent of giving it a frustrated kick).

Lots going on here at the moment. After bemoaning my photographic woes, it appears that someone may have come to my rescue. Never mind a tripod and a timer, a rather kind soul has offered their photographic services (yes they are a real photographer, no they're not just a random pervert). I do want a really good set of superhero pics and we're having a (creative - haha!) meeting tomorrow to discuss things. The shoot may well include some proper rooftop posing as befits a catwoman and if that's the case, I'll be getting to work on some kind of mask because that's going to be kind of public. Like actual public as opposed to pretendy internet public. And I need to stop thinking about that before I psyche myself out.

Training is going well at the moment. I have a slight niggle in my right leg which is annoying but not too much of a hindrance. Aside from that, I feel as strong as an ox. I'm running well, lifting really well and spinning like there's no tomorrow! I'm surprised by how much I'm enjoying the spin classes. I took one years ago (when admittedly I was a lot less fit) and it killed me ... for days! Now I'm finding I can go hard, really hard and not have it kill me at all. I'm doing double sessions twice a week and this is doing a couple of things for me. Firstly, much more power through the hips and my core is now rock solid and secondly, I am getting lean. Like, if you didn't know it was me, you'd think it was a proper athlete in this body. I don't mean that in an arrogant way - I can't quite believe it's me in this body either! I have to keep poking and prodding in front of the mirror to make sure. Of all the incarnations of my body there have been so far, this one is absolutely hands down my favourite both in terms of aesthetics and also how it functions. I feel like the bloody terminator! Being made of metal would explain why my swimming still sucks but I'll get there in the end.

The final benefit to the double spin sessions is the extra amount of calories I get to eat. I spin in the middle of the day which means rearranging my eating a bit so I'm having an extra bowl of cereal/toast with my beloved peanut butter before bed the night before a class then my usual breakfast and mid-morning snack before the class. When I get out, I have my protein shake and a banana and then another small meal when I get home as a late lunch (it varies but usually a prawn, chilli, red onion and brocolli omelette or similar). I'm currently on six or seven small meals a day and that's working just fine. What's surprising to me is that I'm not putting that much thought into it, I'm eating fairly intuitively and it has taken a lot of the stress out of it. It seems that I might be far enough down the recovery road to trust myself and my food choices. I wasn't sure I would ever see that day so that in itself is worth celebrating.

Once the superhero challenge is done and dusted, I'll be hitting up the gym for some serious max rep attempts. I haven't done this for about ten months so I'll be interested to see where I'm at. I know I'm stronger, I can feel it but I'm nosy enough to want to know the stats and get them written up in my progress file (yes, I am sad enough to keep a spreadsheet for these things, despite my eternal hatred of Excel).

There are a few other things in the works but I'm keeping them under my hat for now. The main thing is that despite some large and utterly bloody bumps in the road, it's full steam ahead. I'm excited about things again and that feels good. It feels more like me :)

Skills Lacking

This will be unclear and indeed seem unlikely to those of you who have never met me in real life, nonetheless it is true - I don't really do photos! Pictures of other people, fine. Pictures of me? Not so keen frankly. Let me tell you more.

I have always been a bit of a camera dodger. When I was a kid, I had chubby cheeks. The kind of cheeks that strangers would come up and squeeze (painfully usually - thanks old dudes), the kind of cheeks that make you think of hamsters stashing seeds, the kind of cheeks that obliterate your eyes should you happen to smile for a photo. I happen to like my eyes - they are the one feature that I genuinely think is quite pretty - and didn't want them hidden and so developed a very stern photograph demeanour. Childhood holiday photos from the age of seven through to twelve would indicate (wrongly) that I didn't have a single moment of joy.

I then declined to be photographed at all because alongside the chub of the cheeks, there were the various bodily farces that make up puberty. It was, as it often the way, not pretty. I can think of only one photo of me that exists from around that time and it was taken by stealth while I was playing badminton and thus caught off guard. All I can say about that picture is that is was 1990, the fashion of the time was "baggy" and I may or may not have been wearing dungarees, high tops and the largest t-shirt known to man. Body confidence not an issue because who ever knew what was lurking under the giant swathes of material.

There are no more pictures till my 18th birthday when I was forced to submit to a single shot. For reasons which will never be clear, my father had me pose next to my mother's new car like some dolly bird from The Price Is Right. Looking at that picture you might surmise that the car was perhaps my birthday gift (but you'd be wrong. Not so much as a driving lesson despite my father being a driving instructor - go figure). Car bizarreness aside, it's actually very nice. Not because I'd learned to smile nicely for a photo but purely on the basis that I look young and vibrant. My boyfriend at the time was taking me out for a nice fancy dinner and I was properly dressed up - sexy dress, high heels, make up even and I still had my ridiculously long pre-Raphaelite hair (because you can just about still get away with that at 18).

But as I said, that was an extreme rarity. There are really very few photos of me in the years that followed. Hardly any even of me with my son when he was a baby (a million of him obviously, but I'm barely in any of them). Looking back that saddens me - it seems like he gets bigger by the day and it's harder and harder to look at him and try to see the baby that he was. A bit more evidence would have been nice in retrospect but at the time, it was a no go. One photo was taken not long after I had brought him home from the hospital. In it are me, my mum with the baby on her knee and my older sister. I just look like a mountain of human flesh. I had given birth five days earlier and I bloody well looked like it. Breasts like rugby balls and no waist whatsoever, everything else just huge! This is not a "poor me, I had some post-baby fat" statement. What I want to illustrate is the importance of looking at that picture ... and having absolutely no connection to the woman in it. I was completely lost inside that body.

Every family has their own little set of dynamics that go on. You know who's the brightest, the thinnest, who has the biggest feet, who takes longest in the shower of a morning. So it is in my family: I am the tallest (yes really, we are a hobbity bunch) and the slimmest. It seemed that overnight I had become something else, some fat hunched thing that had no bearing on who I really was. Nonetheless, it did appear to be me in that photo and that was so deeply uncomfortable that I couldn't bear to look at myself in a photo again. At least a reflection is fleeting, a photo is just there, not going anywhere, unavoidable. If you don't like yourself, you're not going to willingly submit to that (self) scrutiny.

And so for many more years there were no photos, save a couple where I was on a night out and not aware of the camera. Unfortunately, I had also been drinking and boy, does it show in my face (you can tell from my eyes instantly). Thus they are beastly looking things and the whole horror of photo and self was reinforced.

I am a bit of a one for Facing Your Fears (I have to be since some days I am scared of damn near everything). It occurred to me that apart from being totally ridiculous, avoiding looking at myself was no way to proceed. This is my body, this is my mind - I cannot work with them and improve them if I don't know them and check in on their progress from time to time. I will freely admit that the thing I used to find most intimidating about the gym was the amount of mirrors in there - now I couldn't care less. This is simply down to exposure - look at something long enough and you will get used to it. Look at it for a bit longer still and you'll start to see the improvements you've made, where your hard work is paying off (this is why doing pull ups in your underwear is so very good but keep that to home workouts, yes?). There are frequently times when it goes beyond acceptance and straight out the other side to "oh, that's a nice body" and not quite recognising it as your own. In that sense, I haven't solved the disconnect. My mind is taking a long time to catch on to what I actually look like and I wear evidence of this most days. I am not the most patient of clothes shoppers and if there's a queue for the fitting room, I mostly likely won't join it. I'll just kind of look at the clothes and decide whether I think I'll fit in them or not. This means that I have a large number of clothes (jeans especially) that don't fit. In my head, I seem to be a size or two bigger than I really am. I don't yet feel that I am the woman in the size 8 skinny jeans but they're the ones that fit. So I haven't got things quite right yet but they are vastly improved. I can look at a photo and not immediately want to curl up and die - this is good and something of a miracle.

What is not so good is that lack of practice means I have no clue how to pose properly. I have been taking progress pics of my abs and it's not nearly so easy as it would appear.  I can't do good face and good body at the same time! If I tense my abs, my face looks constipated. If I think about the face, I forget to stand right. That doesn't even take into account trying to tame the crazy hair. Currently I am just cropping the bits that offend me most :) I think though, that it might be time to just get on with it and polish up my skills. Particularly for when I reach the end of my challenge, it would be good to have a really nice set of pics. I'll need to practice a bit (and get some shots in daylight for instant added definition). In the mean time, here's roughly where I'm at abs wise:

Eating Clean - What it Really Looks Like

I have read a lot of research and literature about diet and nutrition. It's a topic that interests me and influences me. However, as easy as it is to read about the latest diet and the results it could have on your body, it's not always to easy to incorporate it into your real life. Sometimes, it's the sort of fad which you can maintain for a short amount of time but rarely do we find a way of eating which we can do full time, all the time, for the rest of time!

What works for me is a combination of things which I've garnered from a few different schools of thought. It's healthy but not unrealistic, quality produce based but not prohibitively expensive, requires only a little planning for big rewards in terms of health benefits and, best of all, is easy to maintain and doesn't make finding an on the go snack mission impossible.

What governs how and what I eat? There are a few requirements I have.

1) I do not ever want to feel that I am starving. I need to be eating sufficient in quantity and frequency that I never get that ready to gnaw the furniture feeling.
2) I do not wish to be at the mercy of cravings. For me this means cutting out sugar (except for fruit) and watching the timing and quantity of my carbs.
3) I want to feel energised! Plenty of vitamins and minerals and fuel for training.

So what does this mean in terms of my daily regime. Here's what today's menu looks like and how it fits around my training.

Breakfast was porridge made with water and skimmed milk, topped with low fat yoghurt, blueberries, almonds and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Large mug of coffee (my first love).

2km swim - post swim snack was a slab of homemade flapjack and a banana

Lunch - large bowl of carrot and fennel soup with one slice of granary bread followed by an egg salad (two hard boiled eggs, peppers, pickles, beetroot, cucumbers, tomatoes and a variety of leaves) and a large handful of grapes

Afternoon snack - a low fat yoghurt and a sliced apple with peanut butter (PB is second only to coffee on my list of favourites). Coffee number two.

Strength training at the gym - post gym snack will be some pre-cooked chicken breast and some pineapple (obsession number three)

Dinner tonight is a large seared tuna steak with a lime and chilli dressing and stir-fried veg with soy sauce and sesame seeds and I also plan to have one large glass of red wine, just because I fancy it.

If I'm hungry later in the evening I'll have either fruit with plain yoghurt or a slice of toast with peanut butter (or sometimes I have both).

This is a fairly typical menu for me. I make it easy to for myself to make good choices by preparing a few things in advance e.g. I always make a giant vat of soup on a Sunday and have cooked chicken breasts and hard-boiled eggs ready and waiting in the fridge. If I can lay hands on something wholesome as soon as I feel hungry, I'm all set. I don't do processed or pre-packaged food. I make as much from scratch as I possibly can. I like cooking so it's no great hardship. It also means that once my meals for the week are planned out and the cooking prep is done on a Sunday, I mostly don't even have to think about food choices for the rest of the week and for me, that's the real winning part of the formula.

If I'm out for a meal with family or friends, I just do the best I can. I'm not going to sit there like some self-righteous misery with a glass of tap water, eating only salad leaves while everyone else indulges. I'll get stuck in with the rest of them! But that's the exception rather than the rule and eating well the rest of time means that I'm generally pretty happy with how my body looks and feels.

Barbara and Balboa

I have a lot on my mind at the moment. The past week has been a real tough one both professionally and personally, capped off by the passing of my very dear friend Barbara yesterday morning.

She was a phenomenal women - eighty years old and yet she was still coming to Thursday lunch time aerobics with me up until a few weeks ago! In some ways, she was like my adopted granny but mostly she was just my friend; loyal, supportive and a bloody good laugh. I'm going to miss her terribly.

I always feel that I am very fortunate in the friends that I have. Life, as we all know, is not always easy and sometimes it can be hard to keep your face turned towards the light. I'm lucky that I have people around me who care enough to keep me on track when I really just feel like giving up. When my chin starts to go down, they make me pick it right back up again. I often wish that I could repay them in some way for all that they do for me. I guess it's on my mind because the chance to repay Barb for her many kindnesses has now passed.  So I have instead been thinking about how best to honour her memory and our friendship and I think I know what to do.

I know what she wanted for me and though I don't know that I'm capable of quite the level of greatness she expected of me, I am going to go ahead and pursue it. It involves a change of career, taking the financial hit of re-training, probably a bit of a bumpy ride for a while and, most difficult of all, having a decent amount of faith in myself and my abilities. It's something that I have been mulling over for far too long and it's been suggested as the right path for me by so many people - I think it's high time I just got on with it. Watch this space ...

In the mean time, we'll be doing it Rocky-style - just keep on taking the hits and not giving up. Determination is where it's at!

My plans for the future will take a little time to come to fruition so my aim for now is just to keep the faith. I figured I was in need of a shot in the arm in terms of boosting my self-belief. This means time for a fitness assessment! It's something I like to do occasionally just to see how things are progressing. I will be doing a more comprehensive check later in the week but last night I decided to see how many press ups I could do in a minute. The last three reps were not far off pathetic so I discounted them ... leaving me with a total of 76. I'm beyond pleased with that! It's a good and very timely reminder that I am capable of much more than I think I am.

A Little Bit of Booty

When I first started running (alongside losing a pound or two) the most noticeable body change was that my bum disappeared almost in it's entirety. I could not have filled a pair of jeans if you paid me.  This did not make me happy. Quite apart from anything else, it just wasn't comfy to sit on.

So, how to get from flat as a pancake to something a bit more bootylicious?

Fortunately, the glutes are a large muscle group so there's a good base to work from. Whatever else I'm doing, I will always do one good lower body strength session a week. If time allows, I'll also do a shorter plyo session - glutes respond very well to explosive training.

The mainstays of my strength set are squats. With regard to squatting form, I keep hearing people say not to go beyond parallel. Nonsense! I personally like to go all the way down, A2G! It makes sense to me to do so simply because I can - I have good flexibility in my hips. If you can, do.

I like back, hack, sumo and goblet squats. Front squats are the devil as far as I'm concerned ... but I do them anyway. I refuse to pad the barbell and it's never easy to get comfy with a big metal rod resting on your collar bones. The trick is to get your elbows as high as you can so your hands come into the most supportive position possible but I don't find it easy.

I also do barbell lunges and side lunges with a kettlebell (I think lateral movement with a barbell is asking for big trouble!)

Deadlifts are another big favourite. Great for your bum and hamstrings and there is just something deeply satisfying about bending over and hefting large amounts of weight. It's one of the most functional things you can do (because goodness knows, lots of weight training bears little resemblance to what we actually do and how we need to move in real life). I'm not a noisy lifter in general but if anything's going to get a grunt out of me, it's going heavy on my DL!

My plyometric sessions are some of the hardest workouts I do. Certainly I'm far more likely to cross the puke threshhold during one of these sessions than I am at any other time. I do burpees, jumping squats, straight leg squat thrusts and tuck jumps. It hurts but you do feel ace once you've done it ... and you know it's at least a week before you have to do it again!

I have to be honest and say that my lower body is never going to be perfect or even close. Genetics have dictated how things will be and all I can do is work with what I've got to make it the best I can. I'm not there yet ... but things are looking a little more shapely so I am at least moving in the right direction :)