There are lots of things that begin with the letter D; some of them are good, some bad, some downright bloody awful. Dogs for example, generally a good thing. Dysentery? Not so much. Things here have been quite firmly entrenched in the poopy end of that scale.
We have delays and discomfort. There should have been photos to post today but there's going to be a delay. In terms of physique, it's all on point and ready to go. However, I took a bit of a tumble a few days ago. Black, blue and bikini-ed is not really what I was hoping for! I also had a medical procedure a couple of days ago which, while minor, has left me in a bit of discomfort. After all my hard work, I have no intention of half-assing it at the final hurdle. Hopefully by next week, I'll be fighting fit and ready to rock it the way it deserves.
Dynamics and just desserts. There are things going on in my life which I have no need to discuss here other than to say that I've been feeling a bit worn down by all that's gone on lately. I don't exactly know what I believe in terms of fate or karma or any of that but I have been left wondering if I have some great big in-built trouble magnet. I would be a horrible person indeed if I actually deserved all the crap that I've had to deal with over the past few months ... and I genuinely don't think I am. So how do I learn to deal effectively with the bad shit? How do I make myself a bit more bullet-proof?
When it comes to training, I am goal-orientated and focused. I look at the big picture, decide what I need to do to get me there and then I just go and do it. It is that simple. However, this is something I do not do in my personal life, at all. Real life has a lot more variables and I struggle to apply the same single-mindedness. Putting myself first is not something that comes naturally to me - I'm a middle child and it shows! I will not ever manage to put myself first and say screw everyone else, not going to happen. What I do need to overcome is the urge to smooth things over and make it all okay for everyone, even at my own expense. How many times have I said, "Don't worry about it, it's fine" when it was anything but fine. Too many. That person may then go away feeling just dandy but it leaves me feeling like death. I need to work on my self-preservation skills. I know a lot of people who (it seems to me) behave appallingly and all in the name of making sure their own asses are covered. I am never going to be comfortable with that degree of self-centredness but I also don't have to make myself more unhappy just trying to keep the peace. I'm thinking there needs to be something a bit more egalitarian going on and it's up to me to instigate that. After all, people can only walk over you if you're lying down - upright stance required!
I'm also thinking that I have some friendships where the dynamics of that will not go down too well. In my heart, I know that these people are not truly my friends but the process is painful nonetheless. I guess it's like lancing a boil - unpleasant but probably necessary.
Decisions. I have decided, after an awful lot of thought, that I will not be taking part in next year's VLT. I am not the sensible sort of person who has savings and money put aside for a rainy day and all that jazz. Let's just say I had an unexpectedly rainy day last week so financially, there is no way I can justify it. Triathlon training will continue - things will pick up again and I'm fairly certain I can find plenty of races closer to home to compete in. It is the right decision, though I can't help feeling slightly disappointed about it. Hopefully, I will still manage a jaunt down to support my RF buddies who are competing. You know I have the poms poms ready and waiting, right?
The final decision is that I've had my time of hibernation and I need to get back out there. I needed a little time away just to get a few things sorted and this is the first time I've been wise enough to do so. Usually, I just keep truckin' and it ends in spectacular disaster! Thanks to all who have dropped me messages - you are a bloody lovely bunch and I'm lucky to know you.
One last thing: a little thank you to the D-man. Judicious application of cuddles, cocktails and laughter very much appreciated (and the flying was a fab bonus!) Thank you buddy :)
hope the bruises have melted away soon ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Hippolyta! Your personality sounds so much like mine used to be. But did it ever occur to you that it wouldn't hurt anybody else's life to stick up for yourself? Honestly, it won't. Try it. You'll be surprised how the people around you might even be very happy about it. That was what happened for me.
ReplyDeleteRegarding bad karma and trouble magnet: Most people (excluding the super jackasses of the world) will treat you almost exactly how you treat yourself. If you treat yourself as important, others will view you as important. If you treat yourself as precious, others will also view you as precious.
Make rules and boundaries to be more bullet-proof. Certain things, such as frenemies (friend/enemies) are *never* acceptable. Subtly and persistantly ignore them until they find a new person to torture, and totally stay away from any toxic people who bring misery with them. Find new friends who really enjoy you and want the best for you. Like you, I have much older friends who have time to devote much affection and hugs toward me.
You deserve the best in your life. You are a special person. Tell that over and over to yourself until you're sure of it.
I hope that helped. Otherwise, feel free to ignore any/all portions of the post. :D
:-) Marion
Hi Marion, thank you for taking the time to give me a thoughtful response :)
ReplyDeleteA lot of what I wrote comes down to childhood conditioning - this is where our minds go most easily when under extreme stress I think, like water trying to get back to the sea. That's part of what makes it so difficult a process to break and this is, like everything else, very much a process for me.
I have some very good friends and they do a lot to restore my faith in humanity ... but it's not enough to restore my faith in me. I wish that it would be enough for me to tell myself that I'm special but I don't respond nearly so well to positive reinforcement as I do to negative and until I can believe it, it will just feel like me flapping my gums. I have enough insight to know what needs doing but have not yet found the best method - as it says up there, still a work in progress!
The frenemies are going though (indeed, one has already been jettisoned and it seems that karma has already found him).
I will find my way. I am always somewhat wary about posting these types of things but it's not ever a 'poor pitiful me' thing and I hope it's not viewed that way. It's simply picking an object up and looking at it from a few different angles to make better sense of it ... and now it's been looked at from the other side of the pond too
In response, you seem to be looking for better ways, never pitiful. And you are a special person. I may be a lot of things (show-off at gym comes to mind) but not a liar. :D
ReplyDelete