Meanwhile, back at the ranch ...

*blows dust off*

Haven't been here in a while! I have plans afoot for the new year, a blog reboot if you will. It may not be in this location but it is coming.

In the mean time, a bit of a catch up. It's the time of year for reflection I guess: the end of the old year and the start of the new, a time to reminisce and look forward to what lies ahead.

I was chatting to a friend recently and we were talking about New Year (or Hogmanay if you're a fellow Scot). I have a nagging feeling that how you start the year sets the tone for what is to come. The first moments of 2011 did just that. It has been a difficult year for me, in many ways. There have been many metaphorical smacks in the face, death, illness, shock, disappointment. In other words, I have lived! And I have learned. Some of the things I have learned about myself are not nice. I have discovered that I can be unreliable, avoidant, stubborn, that I am self-critical to a confoundingly useless degree, that I am gullible and sometimes willing to be led astray, that I am still capable of doing things when really I know better.

But I am also strong, I am tenacious, motivated, dynamic, I can pursue the things that I really want, I am capable of following my gut instincts and my heart.

My goods and my bads are two sides of the same coin - without one, I don't have the other. I am not looking to change, that is not my plan for 2012. The plan is to learn how to fully utilise what I do have going for me. Maybe life is not just about become a better person. Maybe there is an element of becoming better at being the person you are.

In terms of training, I have two events booked up for next year: the Thunder Run in July and the VLT in September. The first is an endurance race but I'm part of a team which is a new and exciting prospect for me. I'm really looking forward to it. Camping, chinwagging, running - what's not to love? The triathlon is an entirely different kettle of fish. I am invested in that in an entirely different way. I dithered endlessly about whether to even give it a shot or not. My swimming needs a whole lot of work, it requires me to get new kit, probably get a new bike and even the logistics of me getting myself and my bike down to London for the race are a PITA quite frankly ... but really it comes down to something much simpler than all that waffle. I want to do it. It excites me and I want it, so whatever it takes to make it happen is what will happen. It is on! Now if I could only apply that to the rest of my life.

On the off chance that there is anything in my Hogmanay superstition, I'm taking no chances. Last year was a bummer with a capital B. This New Year's Eve is going to be awesome with a capital A. Start as you mean to go on, right?

Birthday Blogging

I'm reliably informed (by my mum and she should know) that I turn 35 tomorrow - 35! I'm not saying that in the sense of "oh my god, that's ancient!" because it's not. It is, however, a higher number than I ever thought I'd reach. I fully intended to have checked out by the age of 24 so god only knows what I'm still doing here.

I have to admit that I don't tend to celebrate my birthday. It doesn't excite me and it's of no great interest. The only thing that does always happen is pancakes for breakfast (with bacon and maple syrup) but I did that this morning. No way I'm getting up early enough on a Monday morning to make myself pancakes, birthday or not!

The only vague sense of excitement I have is that it's the start of a new training phase ... and I have plans :) I'm not ready to unleash them on the world just yet.

Really, all this milestone affords is a chance to take stock. I'm stronger, leaner and fitter than I was this time last year. I can swim better (yes, really), I have much better stamina on the bike (even my undercarriage is getting used to the whole ordeal) and my yoga has improved. I can do pull ups, quite a few of them, and I couldn't have done any at all this time last year. I completed the 3 x 100 press ups challenge ... and have no intention of ever repeating it! For all the years on the clock, the body is not too bad at all.

I'm also using it as a chance to try and put a lot of things behind me. The last few months have been horrible, just horrible in a myriad of ways and there's no escaping that fact. But I've done what I can with that mess and I feel that has helped - things aren't preying on my mind in the same way. There's a sense of letting go of the things that are outwith my control. I know my part in the proceedings: most of it can be filed under "sometimes bad things just happen," and the rest under "wow, some people are real assholes." Either way, a lot of it was a case of the wrong place at the wrong time. Until the past few days there has been a nagging sense of needing closure but actually, on reflection I'm already done with it. There's no need to write (much less send) the letter telling someone exactly what I think of their behaviour. I don't need to do it because I'm done with them. There will be no dramatic announcement, I'm just quietly going on my way and leaving them with their cowardice and their BS. They don't read this blog so it may take them a while to stop navel-gazing long enough to notice that they've lost a really good friend. C'est la vie.

Tomorrow, my 35 year old self will be up bright and early for swimming and spinning. I'll have my fingers crossed for decent weather so a certain (not so) young man can take me for a spin on his bike - we're heading for the hills, a bit of autumnal hiking and a nice cosy pub lunch. I do believe I'm also being taken out for dinner in the evening and I may well have a sneaky glass of bubbly. Will be giving the birthday cake a miss though!

I'll leave you with some pics of a younger me (apologies for the topless one - it's just how we rolled in the seventies!)

Brought to you by the letter P

There are lots of Ps to counteract my Ds. Positive, present, pfabulous (silent p there, oh yes - hons in Language, don't argue)

The thing is, I think. A lot. Sometimes those thoughts need to be purged. Sometimes I do that here. It's not a pity party, it's just me getting my shit in order so I can move on to the next thing, often a more important thing as it happens.

So the important things in my world this week are pull strength and pillions.

I am still continuing with the triathlon training - essentially my cardio workouts will continue to be a mix of running, biking (spinning mostly) and swimming but we don't just do cardio, do we? Oh hell no. I love my strength training ... but I'm shifting the focus slightly.

When I was younger, I did a fair amount of climbing. Somewhere along the way, that tailed off. I went maybe once or twice last year but that's about it. Part of it is a confidence thing - it takes cojones to get yourself up there, no two ways about it. The other part of it is trust. I need to be able to trust the dude on the other end of the rope with my life. I have only ever really climbed successfully with a couple of partners (an ex and my best friend) but it seems that I have now come across someone else I can trust ... and it feels like I've been brought back to life. I can't quite believe I'm climbing again! It's like trying on the jeans you wore when you were 18 and finding they still fit - and that they suit you better than anything else ever did. But, being me, I find myself thinking about power to weight ratios and should I lose a few more pounds for easy handling (I don't think so - I suspect I am fairly dinky just now but I never really know). In any case, pull strength needs to be worked on. I fear there may be Frenchies in my future (if you don't know what they are, google them ... and weep!) I don't entirely look like a climber. My new fella ... he totally does (which, I'm not going to lie, is quite exciting - I really like that lean, sinewy thing). Forearms to die for is my final word on that subject. Whee! :D

So yes, upper body strength needs to worked on. As a woman, I'm aware that my upper body strength is well above average but I can always work on increasing it and, more importantly, honing it to the task at hand. There will be press ups in various positions and my grip strength also needs some work. I have arthritis in both my hands which will make things more difficult but I'm a big believer in doing the best with what you've got. Crapulous joints or not, I have a lot more mobility and strength than I used to and I earned it.

The other P that has been on my mind is pillion, also known as "riding bitch". I have recently been reintroduced to the joys, terrors and cold numb bottom of motorbikes. I had completely forgotten what it was like ... and a part of me feels a little guilty for even doing it. It is not terribly safe. Even in with leathers, gloves, helmet and with a safe rider in front of you, you are at the mercy of other road users and the elements. But sweet baby Jesus is it exhilarating! You feel incredibly exposed but at the same time, completely at one with your rider, the machine, the road. It's a weird and awesome and almost terrible sense of connection. It's an odd one for me: they say no man is an island. Well, 98% of the time this woman is. I felt exceptionally at odds with myself getting up there. I may possibly (haha!) have a few control freakish tendencies so putting myself completely in someone else's care was a tricky thing. It speaks volumes about the man himself really that I was willing to give it a go in the first place.

This may sound awful but I have never hankered after a run of the mill sort of guy. I don't want someone who's idea of a good time is getting pissed while watching the football and then buying me crappy flowers from the all night garage on the way home before staggering into the bedroom thinking he's bloody Elvis. That won't do. Sweet but dim also doesn't cut it (sexy or not) and I tried my best with Mr I'm a Pilot I Fly a Big Plane and Drive a Porsche but fast machines do not make up for a lack of personality. I need someone thoughtful, somewhat eloquent, someone with a brain that he knows how to utilise. There needs to be mutual thought provocation and support. I can't be with someone who will ultimately bore the crap out of me and let's face it, thinking someone is 'fit' is just the barest step on the road to real attraction and satisfaction. Some of the people who I have initially been most attracted to physically have become almost repulsive to me once their true personalities have come to the fore. Others have just bored me because there was nothing of interest beyond a nice set of guns. I've got a set of those, I don't need anyone else's unless they come as part of a grander package.

It's early days for me and the new man-meat (don't worry, he won't mind that objectification) but I'm happy enough to see how things go. Quite apart from anything else, he has been there to support me through some really tough stuff in the past week. I know it wasn't easy for him to be there holding my hand through the worst of it. Clearing up other people's messes is never easy (your own are bad enough, right?) and I don't know that I would have behaved quite so admirably if our positions had been reversed.  And he doesn't bring me crappy garage flowers - he sneaked me some eidelweiss from an Alpine pass instead. I think he kind of rocks, just a little bit :)

This post is brought to you by the letter D

There are lots of things that begin with the letter D; some of them are good, some bad, some downright bloody awful. Dogs for example, generally a good thing. Dysentery? Not so much. Things here have been quite firmly entrenched in the poopy end of that scale.


We have delays and discomfort. There should have been photos to post today but there's going to be a delay. In terms of physique, it's all on point and ready to go. However, I took a bit of a tumble a few days ago. Black, blue and bikini-ed is not really what I was hoping for! I also had a medical procedure a couple of days ago which, while minor, has left me in a bit of discomfort. After all my hard work, I have no intention of half-assing it at the final hurdle. Hopefully by next week, I'll be fighting fit and ready to rock it the way it deserves.

Dynamics and just desserts. There are things going on in my life which I have no need to discuss here other than to say that I've been feeling a bit worn down by all that's gone on lately. I don't exactly know what I believe in terms of fate or karma or any of that but I have been left wondering if I have some great big in-built trouble magnet. I would be a horrible person indeed if I actually deserved all the crap that I've had to deal with over the past few months ... and I genuinely don't think I am. So how do I learn to deal effectively with the bad shit? How do I make myself a bit more bullet-proof?

When it comes to training, I am goal-orientated and focused. I look at the big picture, decide what I need to do to get me there and then I just go and do it. It is that simple. However, this is something I do not do in my personal life, at all. Real life has a lot more variables and I struggle to apply the same single-mindedness. Putting myself first is not something that comes naturally to me - I'm a middle child and it shows! I will not ever manage to put myself first and say screw everyone else, not going to happen. What I do need to overcome is the urge to smooth things over and make it all okay for everyone, even at my own expense. How many times have I said, "Don't worry about it, it's fine" when it was anything but fine. Too many. That person may then go away feeling just dandy but it leaves me feeling like death. I need to work on my self-preservation skills. I know a lot of people who (it seems to me) behave appallingly and all in the name of making sure their own asses are covered. I am never going to be comfortable with that degree of self-centredness but I also don't have to make myself more unhappy just trying to keep the peace. I'm thinking there needs to be something a bit more egalitarian going on and it's up to me to instigate that. After all, people can only walk over you if you're lying down - upright stance required!

I'm also thinking that I have some friendships where the dynamics of that will not go down too well. In my heart, I know that these people are not truly my friends but the process is painful nonetheless. I guess it's like lancing a boil - unpleasant but probably necessary.

Decisions. I have decided, after an awful lot of thought, that I will not be taking part in next year's VLT. I am not the sensible sort of person who has savings and money put aside for a rainy day and all that jazz. Let's just say I had an unexpectedly rainy day last week so financially, there is no way I can justify it. Triathlon training will continue - things will pick up again and I'm fairly certain I can find plenty of races closer to home to compete in. It is the right decision, though I can't help feeling slightly disappointed about it. Hopefully, I will still manage a jaunt down to support my RF buddies who are competing. You know I have the poms poms ready and waiting, right?

The final decision is that I've had my time of hibernation and I need to get back out there. I needed a little time away just to get a few things sorted and this is the first time I've been wise enough to do so. Usually, I just keep truckin' and it ends in spectacular disaster! Thanks to all who have dropped me messages - you are a bloody lovely bunch and I'm lucky to know you.

One last thing: a little thank you to the D-man. Judicious application of cuddles, cocktails and laughter very much appreciated (and the flying was a fab bonus!) Thank you buddy :)

Getting closer

First of all apologies - it's been brought to my attention that, once again, people are having problems leaving comments. I'm sorry for that, it's frustrating for all concerned. I would say give me a shout if you're having problems, but how you gonna do that huh? Hopefully it'll be ironed out soon but in the mean time, try leaving the check box for keeping yourself signed in unchecked (blogger equivalent of giving it a frustrated kick).

Lots going on here at the moment. After bemoaning my photographic woes, it appears that someone may have come to my rescue. Never mind a tripod and a timer, a rather kind soul has offered their photographic services (yes they are a real photographer, no they're not just a random pervert). I do want a really good set of superhero pics and we're having a (creative - haha!) meeting tomorrow to discuss things. The shoot may well include some proper rooftop posing as befits a catwoman and if that's the case, I'll be getting to work on some kind of mask because that's going to be kind of public. Like actual public as opposed to pretendy internet public. And I need to stop thinking about that before I psyche myself out.

Training is going well at the moment. I have a slight niggle in my right leg which is annoying but not too much of a hindrance. Aside from that, I feel as strong as an ox. I'm running well, lifting really well and spinning like there's no tomorrow! I'm surprised by how much I'm enjoying the spin classes. I took one years ago (when admittedly I was a lot less fit) and it killed me ... for days! Now I'm finding I can go hard, really hard and not have it kill me at all. I'm doing double sessions twice a week and this is doing a couple of things for me. Firstly, much more power through the hips and my core is now rock solid and secondly, I am getting lean. Like, if you didn't know it was me, you'd think it was a proper athlete in this body. I don't mean that in an arrogant way - I can't quite believe it's me in this body either! I have to keep poking and prodding in front of the mirror to make sure. Of all the incarnations of my body there have been so far, this one is absolutely hands down my favourite both in terms of aesthetics and also how it functions. I feel like the bloody terminator! Being made of metal would explain why my swimming still sucks but I'll get there in the end.

The final benefit to the double spin sessions is the extra amount of calories I get to eat. I spin in the middle of the day which means rearranging my eating a bit so I'm having an extra bowl of cereal/toast with my beloved peanut butter before bed the night before a class then my usual breakfast and mid-morning snack before the class. When I get out, I have my protein shake and a banana and then another small meal when I get home as a late lunch (it varies but usually a prawn, chilli, red onion and brocolli omelette or similar). I'm currently on six or seven small meals a day and that's working just fine. What's surprising to me is that I'm not putting that much thought into it, I'm eating fairly intuitively and it has taken a lot of the stress out of it. It seems that I might be far enough down the recovery road to trust myself and my food choices. I wasn't sure I would ever see that day so that in itself is worth celebrating.

Once the superhero challenge is done and dusted, I'll be hitting up the gym for some serious max rep attempts. I haven't done this for about ten months so I'll be interested to see where I'm at. I know I'm stronger, I can feel it but I'm nosy enough to want to know the stats and get them written up in my progress file (yes, I am sad enough to keep a spreadsheet for these things, despite my eternal hatred of Excel).

There are a few other things in the works but I'm keeping them under my hat for now. The main thing is that despite some large and utterly bloody bumps in the road, it's full steam ahead. I'm excited about things again and that feels good. It feels more like me :)

Skills Lacking

This will be unclear and indeed seem unlikely to those of you who have never met me in real life, nonetheless it is true - I don't really do photos! Pictures of other people, fine. Pictures of me? Not so keen frankly. Let me tell you more.

I have always been a bit of a camera dodger. When I was a kid, I had chubby cheeks. The kind of cheeks that strangers would come up and squeeze (painfully usually - thanks old dudes), the kind of cheeks that make you think of hamsters stashing seeds, the kind of cheeks that obliterate your eyes should you happen to smile for a photo. I happen to like my eyes - they are the one feature that I genuinely think is quite pretty - and didn't want them hidden and so developed a very stern photograph demeanour. Childhood holiday photos from the age of seven through to twelve would indicate (wrongly) that I didn't have a single moment of joy.

I then declined to be photographed at all because alongside the chub of the cheeks, there were the various bodily farces that make up puberty. It was, as it often the way, not pretty. I can think of only one photo of me that exists from around that time and it was taken by stealth while I was playing badminton and thus caught off guard. All I can say about that picture is that is was 1990, the fashion of the time was "baggy" and I may or may not have been wearing dungarees, high tops and the largest t-shirt known to man. Body confidence not an issue because who ever knew what was lurking under the giant swathes of material.

There are no more pictures till my 18th birthday when I was forced to submit to a single shot. For reasons which will never be clear, my father had me pose next to my mother's new car like some dolly bird from The Price Is Right. Looking at that picture you might surmise that the car was perhaps my birthday gift (but you'd be wrong. Not so much as a driving lesson despite my father being a driving instructor - go figure). Car bizarreness aside, it's actually very nice. Not because I'd learned to smile nicely for a photo but purely on the basis that I look young and vibrant. My boyfriend at the time was taking me out for a nice fancy dinner and I was properly dressed up - sexy dress, high heels, make up even and I still had my ridiculously long pre-Raphaelite hair (because you can just about still get away with that at 18).

But as I said, that was an extreme rarity. There are really very few photos of me in the years that followed. Hardly any even of me with my son when he was a baby (a million of him obviously, but I'm barely in any of them). Looking back that saddens me - it seems like he gets bigger by the day and it's harder and harder to look at him and try to see the baby that he was. A bit more evidence would have been nice in retrospect but at the time, it was a no go. One photo was taken not long after I had brought him home from the hospital. In it are me, my mum with the baby on her knee and my older sister. I just look like a mountain of human flesh. I had given birth five days earlier and I bloody well looked like it. Breasts like rugby balls and no waist whatsoever, everything else just huge! This is not a "poor me, I had some post-baby fat" statement. What I want to illustrate is the importance of looking at that picture ... and having absolutely no connection to the woman in it. I was completely lost inside that body.

Every family has their own little set of dynamics that go on. You know who's the brightest, the thinnest, who has the biggest feet, who takes longest in the shower of a morning. So it is in my family: I am the tallest (yes really, we are a hobbity bunch) and the slimmest. It seemed that overnight I had become something else, some fat hunched thing that had no bearing on who I really was. Nonetheless, it did appear to be me in that photo and that was so deeply uncomfortable that I couldn't bear to look at myself in a photo again. At least a reflection is fleeting, a photo is just there, not going anywhere, unavoidable. If you don't like yourself, you're not going to willingly submit to that (self) scrutiny.

And so for many more years there were no photos, save a couple where I was on a night out and not aware of the camera. Unfortunately, I had also been drinking and boy, does it show in my face (you can tell from my eyes instantly). Thus they are beastly looking things and the whole horror of photo and self was reinforced.

I am a bit of a one for Facing Your Fears (I have to be since some days I am scared of damn near everything). It occurred to me that apart from being totally ridiculous, avoiding looking at myself was no way to proceed. This is my body, this is my mind - I cannot work with them and improve them if I don't know them and check in on their progress from time to time. I will freely admit that the thing I used to find most intimidating about the gym was the amount of mirrors in there - now I couldn't care less. This is simply down to exposure - look at something long enough and you will get used to it. Look at it for a bit longer still and you'll start to see the improvements you've made, where your hard work is paying off (this is why doing pull ups in your underwear is so very good but keep that to home workouts, yes?). There are frequently times when it goes beyond acceptance and straight out the other side to "oh, that's a nice body" and not quite recognising it as your own. In that sense, I haven't solved the disconnect. My mind is taking a long time to catch on to what I actually look like and I wear evidence of this most days. I am not the most patient of clothes shoppers and if there's a queue for the fitting room, I mostly likely won't join it. I'll just kind of look at the clothes and decide whether I think I'll fit in them or not. This means that I have a large number of clothes (jeans especially) that don't fit. In my head, I seem to be a size or two bigger than I really am. I don't yet feel that I am the woman in the size 8 skinny jeans but they're the ones that fit. So I haven't got things quite right yet but they are vastly improved. I can look at a photo and not immediately want to curl up and die - this is good and something of a miracle.

What is not so good is that lack of practice means I have no clue how to pose properly. I have been taking progress pics of my abs and it's not nearly so easy as it would appear.  I can't do good face and good body at the same time! If I tense my abs, my face looks constipated. If I think about the face, I forget to stand right. That doesn't even take into account trying to tame the crazy hair. Currently I am just cropping the bits that offend me most :) I think though, that it might be time to just get on with it and polish up my skills. Particularly for when I reach the end of my challenge, it would be good to have a really nice set of pics. I'll need to practice a bit (and get some shots in daylight for instant added definition). In the mean time, here's roughly where I'm at abs wise:

Eating Clean - What it Really Looks Like

I have read a lot of research and literature about diet and nutrition. It's a topic that interests me and influences me. However, as easy as it is to read about the latest diet and the results it could have on your body, it's not always to easy to incorporate it into your real life. Sometimes, it's the sort of fad which you can maintain for a short amount of time but rarely do we find a way of eating which we can do full time, all the time, for the rest of time!

What works for me is a combination of things which I've garnered from a few different schools of thought. It's healthy but not unrealistic, quality produce based but not prohibitively expensive, requires only a little planning for big rewards in terms of health benefits and, best of all, is easy to maintain and doesn't make finding an on the go snack mission impossible.

What governs how and what I eat? There are a few requirements I have.

1) I do not ever want to feel that I am starving. I need to be eating sufficient in quantity and frequency that I never get that ready to gnaw the furniture feeling.
2) I do not wish to be at the mercy of cravings. For me this means cutting out sugar (except for fruit) and watching the timing and quantity of my carbs.
3) I want to feel energised! Plenty of vitamins and minerals and fuel for training.

So what does this mean in terms of my daily regime. Here's what today's menu looks like and how it fits around my training.

Breakfast was porridge made with water and skimmed milk, topped with low fat yoghurt, blueberries, almonds and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Large mug of coffee (my first love).

2km swim - post swim snack was a slab of homemade flapjack and a banana

Lunch - large bowl of carrot and fennel soup with one slice of granary bread followed by an egg salad (two hard boiled eggs, peppers, pickles, beetroot, cucumbers, tomatoes and a variety of leaves) and a large handful of grapes

Afternoon snack - a low fat yoghurt and a sliced apple with peanut butter (PB is second only to coffee on my list of favourites). Coffee number two.

Strength training at the gym - post gym snack will be some pre-cooked chicken breast and some pineapple (obsession number three)

Dinner tonight is a large seared tuna steak with a lime and chilli dressing and stir-fried veg with soy sauce and sesame seeds and I also plan to have one large glass of red wine, just because I fancy it.

If I'm hungry later in the evening I'll have either fruit with plain yoghurt or a slice of toast with peanut butter (or sometimes I have both).

This is a fairly typical menu for me. I make it easy to for myself to make good choices by preparing a few things in advance e.g. I always make a giant vat of soup on a Sunday and have cooked chicken breasts and hard-boiled eggs ready and waiting in the fridge. If I can lay hands on something wholesome as soon as I feel hungry, I'm all set. I don't do processed or pre-packaged food. I make as much from scratch as I possibly can. I like cooking so it's no great hardship. It also means that once my meals for the week are planned out and the cooking prep is done on a Sunday, I mostly don't even have to think about food choices for the rest of the week and for me, that's the real winning part of the formula.

If I'm out for a meal with family or friends, I just do the best I can. I'm not going to sit there like some self-righteous misery with a glass of tap water, eating only salad leaves while everyone else indulges. I'll get stuck in with the rest of them! But that's the exception rather than the rule and eating well the rest of time means that I'm generally pretty happy with how my body looks and feels.

Barbara and Balboa

I have a lot on my mind at the moment. The past week has been a real tough one both professionally and personally, capped off by the passing of my very dear friend Barbara yesterday morning.

She was a phenomenal women - eighty years old and yet she was still coming to Thursday lunch time aerobics with me up until a few weeks ago! In some ways, she was like my adopted granny but mostly she was just my friend; loyal, supportive and a bloody good laugh. I'm going to miss her terribly.

I always feel that I am very fortunate in the friends that I have. Life, as we all know, is not always easy and sometimes it can be hard to keep your face turned towards the light. I'm lucky that I have people around me who care enough to keep me on track when I really just feel like giving up. When my chin starts to go down, they make me pick it right back up again. I often wish that I could repay them in some way for all that they do for me. I guess it's on my mind because the chance to repay Barb for her many kindnesses has now passed.  So I have instead been thinking about how best to honour her memory and our friendship and I think I know what to do.

I know what she wanted for me and though I don't know that I'm capable of quite the level of greatness she expected of me, I am going to go ahead and pursue it. It involves a change of career, taking the financial hit of re-training, probably a bit of a bumpy ride for a while and, most difficult of all, having a decent amount of faith in myself and my abilities. It's something that I have been mulling over for far too long and it's been suggested as the right path for me by so many people - I think it's high time I just got on with it. Watch this space ...

In the mean time, we'll be doing it Rocky-style - just keep on taking the hits and not giving up. Determination is where it's at!

My plans for the future will take a little time to come to fruition so my aim for now is just to keep the faith. I figured I was in need of a shot in the arm in terms of boosting my self-belief. This means time for a fitness assessment! It's something I like to do occasionally just to see how things are progressing. I will be doing a more comprehensive check later in the week but last night I decided to see how many press ups I could do in a minute. The last three reps were not far off pathetic so I discounted them ... leaving me with a total of 76. I'm beyond pleased with that! It's a good and very timely reminder that I am capable of much more than I think I am.

A Little Bit of Booty

When I first started running (alongside losing a pound or two) the most noticeable body change was that my bum disappeared almost in it's entirety. I could not have filled a pair of jeans if you paid me.  This did not make me happy. Quite apart from anything else, it just wasn't comfy to sit on.

So, how to get from flat as a pancake to something a bit more bootylicious?

Fortunately, the glutes are a large muscle group so there's a good base to work from. Whatever else I'm doing, I will always do one good lower body strength session a week. If time allows, I'll also do a shorter plyo session - glutes respond very well to explosive training.

The mainstays of my strength set are squats. With regard to squatting form, I keep hearing people say not to go beyond parallel. Nonsense! I personally like to go all the way down, A2G! It makes sense to me to do so simply because I can - I have good flexibility in my hips. If you can, do.

I like back, hack, sumo and goblet squats. Front squats are the devil as far as I'm concerned ... but I do them anyway. I refuse to pad the barbell and it's never easy to get comfy with a big metal rod resting on your collar bones. The trick is to get your elbows as high as you can so your hands come into the most supportive position possible but I don't find it easy.

I also do barbell lunges and side lunges with a kettlebell (I think lateral movement with a barbell is asking for big trouble!)

Deadlifts are another big favourite. Great for your bum and hamstrings and there is just something deeply satisfying about bending over and hefting large amounts of weight. It's one of the most functional things you can do (because goodness knows, lots of weight training bears little resemblance to what we actually do and how we need to move in real life). I'm not a noisy lifter in general but if anything's going to get a grunt out of me, it's going heavy on my DL!

My plyometric sessions are some of the hardest workouts I do. Certainly I'm far more likely to cross the puke threshhold during one of these sessions than I am at any other time. I do burpees, jumping squats, straight leg squat thrusts and tuck jumps. It hurts but you do feel ace once you've done it ... and you know it's at least a week before you have to do it again!

I have to be honest and say that my lower body is never going to be perfect or even close. Genetics have dictated how things will be and all I can do is work with what I've got to make it the best I can. I'm not there yet ... but things are looking a little more shapely so I am at least moving in the right direction :)

Short, sharp and sweet

You know, with everything that's been going on lately I was starting to wonder if I'd lost my mojo a bit. But you know what? I don't think I have.

Total time spent in the gym so far this week: 1 hour, split over two sessions. Monday's session was 35 mins (some of which was simply catching up on gossip - that's what the watercooler's there for, right?), Wednesday's session was a mere 25 mins. You might wonder what the point of such short sessions is or even whether it's worth getting your gear on for that amount of time. Firstly, it is always worth getting into your lycra but more importantly (maybe ... I do like my lycra!) it allows for greater focus and intensity ... and greater results.

We're talking quality not quantity

That may seem strange coming from me, a person who will happily (and does happily) train two to three times a day most days of the week. My overall training volume is high and that's the way I like it. A few short sessions spread out over the day makes sense to me for several reasons:

- in terms of time management. I fit in short sessions first thing in the morning, at lunch time and again later in the evening. That appeals far more than having to wait till work is done for the day and then go and putz about in the gym for an hour or so and fits in better with parental duties.
- keeping my eating clean and controlled. If I know I'm training at lunch time, it makes no sense to be eating crap mid-morning - it'll ruin my workout ... and this applies all through the day. It's part of my being mindful about my food. If I'm constantly just fuelling and re-fuelling, I'm not driving myself nuts with cravings.
- it regulates my mood. Poor night's sleep - half hour run first thing to clear the head. Crap morning at work - lunch time swim to blast your frustrations. Stuck in traffic for a million years on the way home - break out the barbell when you get back and squat the pain away!
- it maximises caloric burn. Get your sessions spot on and you'll not only burn calories during them but also get a good afterburn. Time it right and it's like all day interval training! 

That's my reasoning behind the high volume. Nonetheless, I still consider my training to be heavier on quality than quantity. Take, for example, my recent gym sessions.

With only half an hour to hand, you go for the supersets. In the earlier stages of my challenge, I was doing antagonistic supersets, working opposing muscles (e.g. biceps and triceps, chest and back) with no rest between exercises. Good for mass but not great for definition. Now I'm into the final month and still supersetting but using two exercises for the same muscle group (e.g. tricep pulldowns followed by dips). Choose your exercises carefully and you can do it all from one bench or piece of equipment and save the time you'd normally spend waiting to get on the lat pulldown or whatever. I believe same muscle supersetting promotes greater definition. We'll see in four weeks time if this is true!

In the mean time, I have noticed some changes which I suspect are a result of a combination of my pulls up regime and my extra swimming. Take a look (and ignore the pre-bubble bath hairdo if you please) :

Baby got back!

Ignore the lack of gun flex and check out the sneaky lat action.

I'm thinking that I need to get someone to take pics of me at the gym (yep, I've even got a poor sucker in mind to be my photographer too - he just doesn't know it yet!) It is very hard to get decent pics of yourself with no tripod. Also, the lighting at the gym makes me look way more awesome! That said, I'm happier now that things are moving in the right direction (and highly entertained by the size of my shoulders in relation to my waist). Superhero proportions are not easy to attain and even though I have very humanly half-assed it and messed up on occasion, I think I'm going to get decently close to the mark. Should have had a little more faith in myself from the start but at least now I've got it from here on in.

Almost in the home straight now - guess I'd better start scoping out a Catwoman costume, huh? :)

Bright lights

I guess the last post seemed like a bit of a downer but in all honesty, I feel better for having got it all off my chest and, more importantly, out of my head. Baggage dumped, notes taken, time to move on!

This week will see me entering the final month of my challenge! Things are not quite how I had hoped they would be at this point. I lost more weight last week. Ordinarily, I can go months without weighing myself - the actual number is less important to me than how my body looks and feels - but I certainly felt like I was getting a bit thin. Scale confirmed it - another two pounds down, making it a loss of five over the past two weeks. Part of my aim for this week then is to stop that slide! Puny is not where it's at (particularly since the bikini I bought for the final photo results is now too bloody big and there is nothing sadder than a baggy bikini)

Weight issues aside I feel good :) I'm going to increase my strength training this week - I'm planning an extra session and aiming to go heavier on my squats. Next week, will be ultra deadlift time!

Triathlon base building will continue as well. I have a sneaking suspicion that this has been the cause of the weight loss to be honest. It involves more cardio than I have done in a long time. Obviously I don't fuel heavily before a swim but I think I need to make sure that I do better with my post-swim eating. My lack of technique makes it a harder work out than it needs to be and I have never done this volume of work in the pool in my life before.

Speaking of tri swimming, today I trained with the big boys for the first time! :) I've been doing three swim sessions a week and it happens that on Mondays and Fridays, the tri guys (as I call them) train at the same time as me. Today they invited me to join them. They are at a far more advance level than I am (truthfully I am still feeling my way a bit with the swimming) and I only completed half the session they did. That I even managed to get my ass in that pool and do any of it was a victory to me. We were talking in the sauna afterwards and one of the guys has offered to help me out a bit with my technique. Good times.

So rough plan for the week: eat more (lots more), lift more, keep moving forward and be awesome!


There you go, my sweet friends, something a bit cheerier for you all to read :)

This is erring on the side of lameness but I can't not say it. To every one of you who has been in touch with me recently to offer your support and understanding, thank you. You would be amazed to know how much it means to me and how touched and honoured I am to have such great people in my life. Thanks guys (((hugs))))

Letting it all go

I was planning a post detailing some specific workouts that I do (will appear at some point Marion, I promise) but that's not uppermost in my mind at the moment. I have the training all planned out and I just need to do it - attention but not deep thought required.

And I need to think. Part of the purpose of this blog is to look at myself and use that to make improvements. Physical changes and challenges? I can do that, I am more than comfortable with it. I have been very focused on working towards what I consider to be a decent body. But it seems that the more I focus on honing the body, the more my mind falls apart. It's not coincidence - there's a decent amount of avoidance going on there! I really really need to work on this. I have learned that the body will not get me what I want. I could have a six-pack and buns of steel ... and still feel like a failure. I do feel like a failure. I need to fix my head.

I was fairly intellectual when I was younger and that didn't really change until I had a child - pregnancy brain that never went away, trauma of idiotic kids tv, not conversing with anyone over 2ft tall for years on end - any of these could be the culprit. In any case, my brain does not function at quite such a high level these days.

Actually, none of those are the real reason for the mental shut down. The truth is that I had a very rough few years, dealing with PND and eating disorders, and it got to the point where even thinking hurt. Up until that time, thinking and writing were my processes for dealing with difficult issues and many times my salvation. They became unsafe activities because once the wheels of my mind were set in motion, I had no idea if I could stop them and if you're feeling suicidal, it's best not to go there. I haven't written anything, save this blog, for years (as evidenced by the rusty writing skills). I think so little these days that it makes me indecisive because I haven't given myself the brain time to form an opinion. I have tried just going on gut instinct instead of conscious thought and that just got me hurt (several times over). I have spent hours upon hours training so I can avoid dealing with the things that I need to pay attention to.

I can't do it anymore. I just can't. To borrow a phrase (thanks Mr Gentilcore) I should be pissing excellence, instead I am haemorraging failure. It needs to stop. Obviously the training stays because I love it and it's part and parcel of who I am but there is serious work required on the pyschological side and I can no longer avoid it. There is little sense in physical strength without the mental stamina to back it up. Sorting my head out can only be a good thing and I suspect it will have good knock on effect with my training. Worth doing for that alone!

I've been thinking (yes!) about how to approach this and I thought back to how I first approached making physical improvements and one word kept coming to me - habit. I used to keep a food diary: what I was eating, when, how exactly was I feeling before I dived face first into that chocolate cake ... and how I felt after. It helped me to identify what my bad habits were and any triggers associated with them. I have developed some bad thought habits: there are various triggers but they all lead to the same reactions - guilt, blame, self-flagellation. I am highly self-critical which, up to a point, can be helpful. It can help you push harder, further, faster. It can also lead to you giving yourself such a mental smack down that you barely make it back up onto your feet again.

Case in point: there was an arrangement recently which didn't pan out the way I had wanted it to. Is it the end of the world? Not at all. Was the way it turned out anything to do with my part in the proceedings? Nope, I don't think so. On a logical level, I'm aware of these things but on a more visceral level, there is a whirlwind of stuff going on. I had an abusive partner many years ago and my mind instantly flashes back to all the stuff he used to say to belittle me. Things which I should give no credence to because it was all part of the manipulation and yet .... I do. In this particular situation, it led to me seeking assurance about whether the outcome of the situation was due to a flaw of mine. And I hated myself for doing it. Hated (actually, still hating - will work on that). Because I do not see myself as the sort of person who has to beg for reassurance and really I know that one thing had nothing to do with the other - it was just that it came at the wrong time. At the end of a hard week with too much going on, my child still poorly, job still in jeopardy etc etc if I'd gone to the shop and they hadn't had the particular brand of coffee I wanted, it would have elicited the same response. This is bonkers of course but very useful knowledge!

The same feelings arise from very different situations, mentally (and to some extent emotionally) the same weight is given to these things. That's all kinds of ridiculous but it points very clearly to there being stuff going on mentally just under the surface and incidents where things don't go to plan then become opportunities for my subconscious to try and draw my attention to dealing with it. Life is not routine and I need to get myself back on an even keel so I can deal with whatever comes my way - I need to be Brandon Lee as Eric Draven, just pushing through and getting shit done however impossible it seems.

Step one: pay attention to how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.
Step two: stop trying to suppress my emotions. Bottling everything up is my worst habit and it is toxic.
Step three: I can prop my friends up when they feel low. I need to learn to prop myself up instead of beating myself down further.
Step four: trust the judgement of my friends. I may think I'm a useless POS much of the time but they don't - who's to say I'm the one that's right?

Speaking of friends, I have friend who sensed I was struggling with a few things (I don't know if she reads here or not but here's a *wave* just in case:)) and she sent me a book. It's called Choosing Happiness and was written by Stephanie Dowrick. It speaks to me of mindfulness which is hugely useful concept in so many ways. I need to pay more attention to the positives.

Another friend put things much more concisely than I have here: he said I have to love myself before I trust anyone else to love me. He's right. I don't love me so I can't even begin to fathom why anyone else would (perhaps why they don't!) It's not an immediate concern but I need to start working on these things now or else I will end up a very lonely old lady indeed. Currently, I am just a sad, confused and slightly grumpy heading-for-middle age lady so I've still got plenty of room for manoeuvre :)

I will apologise now for any typos - I'm not going to proof read this before posting. I know me of old and I know that will result in me not posting this at all. It's probably not comfortable reading and there are no pretty pictures (apologies to you know who - next time maybe). It was every bit as difficult to write as I suspected it would be but at least it's a start.




Cowabunga! (What, you didn't think I could make a 100% serious post, did you?)

Halfway

Five weeks down, five to go.

I'm sure that I had great intentions for getting some quality training in just before the halfway mark in the hopes of posting some decent stats. That may not have happened! Indeed, it could be that last weekend, I ate off plan, had too much wine (only a few glasses but way more than I would usually have), slept too little and did no formal training (though it appears that I managed to burn some calories somehow). I weighed in on Sunday night and appeared to have lost three pounds over the weekend. Mostly dehydration from the alcohol but those pounds have not made a reappearance.

I'm relatively happy with how things are going so far. A quick check with the tape measure shows I've lost more than an inch and a half off my waist and hips, an inch off each thigh .... and gained an inch on my ass - result! Don't worry, I'm not going to prove it by posting pictures of my butt.

I'm feeling good physically. Had a great session at the gym last night and a really enjoyable trail run this morning. I've got all my training planned for the next couple of weeks and I'm looking forward to all of it (though my return to yoga tomorrow after over a month off may be hard going!)

It seems the thing that I'm going to have to be most careful about is making sure that I eat enough and making sure that I eat a bit better either side of my training sessions. The intention is not really to lose any more weight. It was never really a weight loss exercise to begin with but I need to check the number on the scale because, truthfully, I can't look at my reflection in the mirror or look at a photo and see what size I really am. I just don't see it. I know what size jeans I wear but my eye always sees a body that's at least a size or two bigger. That's not going to be useful when the time comes for shopping for my catsuit ;)

Mastermind

There are things that we can control and things that are completely outwith our control. It's important to choose wisely with the first and to fully acknowledge the second ... and thus not let it mess with the first!

Let me clarify: I can only control my actions. I can't dictate what other people do. Therefore I shouldn't let their behaviour impact negatively on me. I need to just keep doing my thing, focus on my goals and let the rest of the world go on around me as it will. My stressing about it won't change the situation but it might well scupper my chances of achieving my goals - unacceptable!

My current life situation is not a happy one. We're talking problems with work, family, health - you name it! It would be easy to get completely overwhelmed and truthfully, I have cried myself to sleep at least twice this week. That's okay - it's a case of better out than in. It's also been the big red flag I needed to take a bit better care of myself. It seems that I'm getting that little bit closer to the edge than is comfortable and it's time to pull back.

When I'm stressed I'm less mindful of my eating and more prone to injury. It's not that I eat badly - I tend to not eat enough and then I train more than usual in an attempt at stress relief and it's not a happy combination. The past couple of days, I have managed to pick my eating up a bit more :) I'm taking steps to remedy the work situation. The family and health problems I have less control over so my key to dealing with them is a combination of fortitude and distraction. I will put up with it while thinking happy thoughts about other things.

The other things I'm thinking about are numerous. My catwoman challenge is still top of the list. I'm one month in and things are looking not too shabby. My abs are starting to come back into what I consider decent shape for me (I can never really get a full on six pack because several pregnancies have certainly left their mark on my lower stomach but I can get a decent four and nice cuts on my hips). My intention for the first half of the challenge was along the lines of a fairly clean bulk. My strength is definitely up and I'm going to keep on my bulking diet for the next week and then start to cut. I'm afraid I'm a bit of a saddo when it comes to cutting. I enjoy it! I'm not even good at maths but there's something strangely satisfying about working out your macros and paying great attention to detail - it's probably the fact that it works so well. In the words of Hannibal (not Lecter or the elephant dude, the other one), "I love it when a plan comes together" :)

Workout-wise for the next week, the focus is still strength with the addition of some explosive power. This means hitting up the big compound moves: a variety of squats (including hack squats - so evil, so good), two deadlift sessions - one at decent effort, one at a lower weight but with the addition of a Farmer's Walk, and a good shot at clean and pressing. I'm not doing any specific ab work just now - crunches are not where it's at. Lift heavy and lift well, do some bodyweight exercises, eat properly and the abs will take care of themselves.

I'll be adding in one of my love-hate workouts - a sprint session at the track. 10 x 100m with walk back recovery. It hurts ... and it works.

I also need to factor in some training for what comes after the Catwoman challenge. It appears that I am doing a triathlon next year. The swimming needs work, lots of it so I'll be aiming to hit the pool for at least three lunch time sessions. As an incentive, this is how I look in my trisuit now:

Kind of meh. The plan is to look awesome! I'm hoping that'll detract from my lacklustre performance!

There was meant to be something sensible here

I have two half-finished posts waiting in the wings - they are about sensible things like the importance of eating clean and the ass-tastic joys of squatting (hack squats in particular - people get on it! I will explain why later - with pictures! - in the mean time, just do it. Your ass and quads will thank you, truly. Mine look awesome!)

Truthfully though, I haven't been able to complete those posts in any sensible sort of way. My mind has been over-run by a number of other things: illness, the threat of redundancy (for the second time in as many years!) and a randomly distracting hot dude.

My bubba has now been diagnosed with glandular fever. He's not been himself for weeks and now we know why. Frankly it sucks. He feels like crap, he's tired all the time and yet not sleeping well and is too ill to do much more than hang about the house. Hanging about the house at someone else's behest is one of my least favourite things to do. Makes me so frustrated I could burst (this is a theme at the moment). The new school term is meant to start next week and that usually heralds the start of a serious training regime for me - joy, joy, joy! Except not, because he may not be well enough to attend school :( And he's miserable and sore which is just crap. If I could take the hit for this and spare him, I totally would. I could deal and I hate that he has to.

The redundancy thing? Well, that's an arse, no two ways about it. However, it has put me in mind of a few things. Prior to splitting with my ex, we had discussed moving somewhere else, starting over. I do not particularly enjoy living where I do. I have nice neighbours and I'm handy for work but everything else is pretty grim. I'd happily live somewhere else and jnr feels the same. He hates it here - he is not your typical Glasgow male, not will he ever be (amen) and is amenable to moving. So maybe we should just go. Workwise, I have things in mind for the future. They require a bit of retraining (but I can do that via distance learning if need be) but I do not need to be in Glasgow to do it. I could go elsewhere. I would really like to move. Before I had jnr in tow, I never stayed very long in one place. I worked in television which meant moving about the country was part and parcel of the job and that was fine. I liked it. If we're going to move, sooner would be better than later. I'm casting my jobsearch net a bit wider than usual - if I get something further afield now, it's all well and good. We could be sorted and settled before it's time for jnr to start high school. If we end up back in England, that's ok. My mum's health is better now than it has been for years so I won't feel so guilty being further away. Truth be told, I was always happy in England and Glasgow makes me miserable. My mum wouldn't want me to be miserable so although I tell myself I'm staying here for her sake, there's a part of me that thinks that's not true. It's just become the easy option. As a place to go climbing and do outdoor sports, Scotland is glorious. To live in one of it's cities is not quite so grand.

Random hot dude? I don't know that I should say anything here because he might read it. All I can say is that someone has got under my skin and I kind of wish that it weren't so. We're hundreds of miles apart, that's not about to change, it's highly impractical and probably pointless to even consider. The thing that really gets me is that he ticks so many of my boxes. I've struggled in the past with finding someone who gets my need to train and understands why I eat the way I do etc. Furthermore, he is someone who I think doesn't have an issue with me having my body the way it is. A guy who doesn't hate muscle! :) I finally come across someone who gets where I'm at with all and he lives at the other end of the country.  Bums. Big fat hairy bums. Big fat pustulated hairy bums. And he's a hottie - damn it all!

Space Time

It's after midnight so technically we are now at T-8 and it's time for a progress report. I don't take measurements every week since I think it might be discouraging. I can tell from the feel of my body though, that things are moving in the right direction. Truthfully, this is more than I deserve. I was thoroughly distracted last week and thus devoted less time and energy to this challenge than I intended. I completed all my scheduled cardio but did miss one strength session. That said, the strength training I did do was completed with intensity! It's been a long time since I've had DOMS that's lasted for days ... and I'd forgotten how satisfying it is. Although I've been talking about this whole challenge in terms of aesthetics, there is more to it than that. Increasing strength is always a goal! I'm pleased that my strength is getting back to what I consider reasonable levels. I'm back to pressing the full stack on the leg press machine at the gym (not using my usual gym and this current one has no squat rack which sucks), bench press is up, pull ups have improved - I'm pushing, pulling, pressing and rowing better than I have in a while.

I think this is partly due to my current diet (I'll do a separate post about that since I have lots to say on the matter!). I'm eating really clean at the moment - lean protein, unlimited veg, good fats, no sugar. For the past couple of weeks, I've been eating carbs in the form of oats, wholegrains and fruit. I eat fairly small amounts of carbs and for the next two weeks I'll be lowering this further and what I do have will be timed around my workouts. I know people always think about carbs in terms of energy and fuel but really all calories are fuel and carbs in high quantities mess horribly with my energy levels and increase my appetite. Personally I can live without the mid-afternoon slump and the desire to consume the entire kitchen in a single sitting. The other reason for lowering my carbs is to get leaner again. Some people can maintain a nice lean body while carbing it up big style- not me!

The one thing that I really struggled badly with over the past week was dehydration. I literally felt dessicated at times - my mouth was like a desert. I certainly thought I was taking on plenty of fluids but I guess my body begged to differ. So, more fluids for me this week.

I spent some time this evening trying to take some progress pics - taking photos of your own body parts is surprisingly difficult! It's tricky too with lighting. I can't imagine that my son would want to help out by wielding the camera but this means never getting pics taken when there's decent light since I have to wait till he's in bed. These ones are here as placemarkers till I get better ones that show more of what's going on muscle wise. Who knew photography would be so hard ...

... Obviously the hardest part is not making a stupid face!

Heroes ... and Superheroes!

It goes almost without saying that training goals are useful things. Aiming high is great but sometimes it pays to be more realistic and so increase your chances of success. There are times when process goals are the way forward ... and times when only the ridiculous will do!

For now, I'm firmly on the ridiculous bandwagon :) Here's a little hint at what I'm up to:

If I consider a marathon next year as a long term training goal, that's all well and good but there's no real urgency there. I know what I'm like - if there's no immediacy, it ain't getting done! Combine that with the fact that we're firmly entrenched in the long school holidays so any training I can do is fairly haphazard and squeezed in wherever I can make it fit and what we have is me hitting the training doldrums. That's a big no no for me.

So I needed a new goal and a new training plan. The goal had to be something that was reachable with mostly short, intense training sessions. It also had to be something that would inspire me and I needed the end result to be within the realms of possibility but not too easy to reach.

I also needed it to be a different kind of goal from ones I've used in the past, just to get the excitement flowing. Running for x number of miles wouldn't do it and while increasing my deadlift would be nice but it doesn't strike me as an end goal. I've already done the six-pack challenge and while I liked the way my abs looked, I didn't particularly like what happened to the rest of my body. So I started to think about what I think is attractive body-wise and my mind kept coming back to the images that I liked as a child. Images like this:

What I like about them is that they look both undeniably strong and feminine. I particularly like the way their lower bodies look: small waist, curved hips, a nice round strong ass and serious quads. I love strong looking legs!

So I set my mind to working out a plan that would get me into superhero shape. Up till this point I haven't delved too deeply into the world of body sculpture so I've been doing my research. I'm lucky that I've got a good base to start from - my body is the right shape, it just needs exaggerated (though I will be giving the gigantor boobs a miss - haven't got the budget or the desire to equip myself with those!)

I will be taking progress pics but might wait till the end of the challenge to post those. More details on training and, very importantly, eating to follow.

In the mean time, I leave you with this little lady:

No discussion of hot superhero bods would be complete without a mention of Catwoman - total hottie!

And finally, just a word of thanks to a certain Batman (you know who you are) for encouraging me in this endeavour :)

Strong women?

Someone directed me to this article on The Frailty Myth: http://www.colettedowling.com/work1.htm
There are some interesting points in there but it only touches on something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. I am not that concerned about what men think of me but I am increasingly bothered by female opinions.

People are entitled to have their bodies however the heck they want. If you are a parent, I would argue that you have a requirement to keep yourself in fairly decent health so you can look after your offspring but beyond that, it's up to the individual. Want to be obese? Go for it - if it makes you feel good. If you prefer the aesthetics of being underweight, again fine - if it makes you happy. What makes me feel good and happy is being fit and strong. The only negative thing about it is that people seem to feel free to pass comment on my body. Granted, I do live in the heart attack capital of Europe (perhaps even the world) so I do look noticeably different from the average joe walking down the streets. Being different does not, however, make me public property.

I have mentioned my Zumba class before and how much I enjoy it. I nearly didn't go back after my first time. I enjoyed the class and was on a high as I made my way out. As I got to the door, I heard a woman behind me say "Christ, would you look at the muscles on that!" in a tone that definitely didn't suggest admiration. Way to rain on my parade lady!

I was grabbed on the arm around mile 9 of a half marathon by a couple (a man and a woman). The woman wanted to know how I got my legs so 'horribly muscley'. Really? We are running a race - why are you surprised that I have leg muscles? You do too, they are just less visible. Furthermore, why do you feel the need to discuss this? My body is not your business.

My last boyfriend proclaimed that he loved my strength but did so in a way that made me feel about two inches tall: "Most men would hate it, but I think your muscles are great" Said that way, I'm not even going to hear the second half of that sentence.

Acquiring the mental strength to ignore all this has been far more difficult than making physical strength gains! For the record, at the moment I am not seriously ripped. I look athletic but that's about it. Unless I'm in my bikini you will likely not be aware that there is some serious weight training going on. I still look very much like a woman so the fact that I look different enough for comments to be made is a source of discomfort. Or rather, I should say, the fact that people make comments is a source of discomfort.

It's more than just an aesthetic issue. There's an undercurrent of strength being a masculine trait and thus not suitable/desirable for a female. More worryingly, much of the opposition and disapproval I come up against comes from women. It's a horribly pervasive view and, I think, deeply unhelpful when it comes to training. Muscle mass naturally declines as we age and ten million reps with an itty bitty pink dumbbell and some cardio will not help to prevent that. Lift some decent weight and you can maintain a more shapely figure for longer. I know which option I prefer. Still the fear of "bulking up" persists. It's bonkers.

So, what do we think peeps? Have you come up against any prejudice with your training or have people been supportive?

Wonky donkey

I tend to train with free weights. Occasionally, I'll use a machine but that's really only for a warm up. I would rather give them a miss since I know my stronger side (which has always been my right side) takes more than it's fair share of the strain. It's something I've been aware of during my pull ups challenge as well - when I get into the higher reps, my dominant side is definitely pulling harder. I guess I was hoping it wouldn't make much difference - wrong!

I've been noticing lately that my right side is failing quicker than my left - biceps curls? Left arm keeps going. Dumbbell press? Right arm cops out. Bench press - who's that sagging over there? Why, it's Mr Right Side! This is odd ... because I am right-handed, very much so.

When I first started running, I quickly became aware of my imbalances because they led to injury. I focussed more on single leg exercises (e.g. pistols) till there was a bit more parity in my leg strength and I've (touch wood) had little bother since. Obviously, I applied the same principle to my upper body to get my left side in line with my right. I suspect that I overdid it, suspicions that were confirmed last night.

Despite my general reluctance to be in front of a camera, I have committed to taking regular Progress Pics. Make no mistake, it's not an easy thing to do on your own! It requires a camera with a timer and the ability to pop a perfect lat spread in a two second time frame. Anyway, much cursing and swearing later, I had my photos and there's a definite difference. My left arm is now bigger than my right! And my lats on the right side are bigger than on the left. I think that's where my pulling strength is coming from on the pull ups. I'm now going to have to think beyond "Whee! I can do pull ups" and work out how to balance things up again. I'm a bit peeved to be honest. If I'm ever going to compete, it won't be for a good few years yet (and I will have to buy a big bucket of confidence from somewhere) but even so, I would like ot have good body symmetry. But on the plus side, I'm most definitely making strength gains again. I'm easing up slowly - managed another 10 lbs on my bench press for a couple of sets of decent reps. I feel like I could have gone heavier but I was on my own. I like to have one of my main men with me to spot when I go heavier for the first time. They may be cheeky boys but they have their uses and in amongst all the ridiculous bum jokes, they do actually have some useful advice to give.

Marathon maybe?

When I was a kid, I was completely and utterly obsessed with (among other things such as Carl Lewis and Spiderman), the ancient Greeks and Romans. Perhaps the original Clash of the Titans had some bearing on this (mechanical owls? Hell yes! Harry Hamlin's hair? Hmm, not so much). In any case, I loved to read about all the myths and legends and the actual history as well. This is partly what led me to study Latin at high school instead of something more useful like, you know, a language that people actually speak.

It may also have some bearing on why I feel the urge to run a modern marathon. Now, I'm no Pheidippides - my name's easier to spell for a start - but I think I have it in me to run the 26+ miles at some point. I had always said that I would do it before I turned 40. I may have said this because 40 seemed quite far away! It's still a few years off but I think I might be taking the plunge sooner than planned.

Manchester is staging a marathon next year :) Manchester and I have unfinished business. After I finished university, I moved down to Manchester to work for Granada Television. I had a whale of a time - it's a great city for the young. Always something happening, places to go, new music to listen to. I had a truly fantastic time there. Admittedly, at that age I think I would have managed to have pretty good time wherever I'd ended up but it was also where I met the man who was to become the father of my child so it was very important for me in lots of ways. I think I'll always have a bit of a soft spot for dear old Manc ... which is why I'm giving serious thought to making my marathon debut there.

The idea is frankly terrifying. I have done a half marathon and the thought of doing that distance and then immediately doing it all over again does boggle the mind. I'm sorely tempted though ...

Tetris

Ever done one of those quizzes where they ask what sort of animal you see yourself as? I don't know what I currently am but it would appear that I have spent rather a lot of time being a beaver (oy, stop sniggering at the back there!), building my little dams and trying to coerce the flow of life into going where I want it to. As a short term coping strategy, this is just dandy but long term it's more problematic. You reach the stage where everything becomes static and stagnant and you feel hemmed in.

That's very much how I feel right now and I need to get things moving again. Too often I have focused on my fitness - it's my way of convincing myself that I'm making progress - while very obviously ignoring other things that I would be better attending to. Well, the body is pretty much in order so it's time for me now to focus on the other stuff instead. It's frankly a bit scary. I would far rather face the discomfort of infinite hack squats than examine my emotional issues but I know that's not a useful approach ;) If I am going to be an Action Babe then I need to stop being such a scaredy cat!

Stage 1: declutter! This process has already begun. I do not throw anything away, ever. Also, I like to buy stuff. This means that I have a very messy house indeed. It means that my house never feels like a restful place to be because no matter where I look, I see things that need attending to - laundry to be folded, books to be squeezed back onto the over-stuffed shelves, piles of paperwork that needs filed. That's surface clutter which it won't pain me too much to attend to. The stuff that really bothers me is all lurking in the bedroom; clothes of various sizes that I never wear, things which were gifts from ex-partners, frankly more clothes (oops)

All the things that need cleared out of my bedroom pull big emotive triggers. I feel guilty casting aside gifts from an ex. Why? If I saw him in the street, I wouldn't feel inclined to go up and say hi, so why do I want to hang onto things given to me by someone who now means little to me? I have a horrible feeling that I keep them as a reminder to myself that I am capable of forming romantic attachments. I have no idea what to do with these things - burning love letters etc just seems so callous.

Clothes are obviously the other big issue. I have some truly fabulous frocks from my time at university. It appears that I went to a lot of balls :) I don't particularly want to part with them (mostly because I'm just really impressed that they still fit!) but I simply don't have the space for them and I never get the opportunity to wear them these days. The other clothes that need to go are the ones from when I was too thin. Not long after I started strength training, I made myself a promise that I would never again let myself get smaller than a size 8 (US size 4). That's the smallest my body naturally goes without extreme effort and diligence and the slimmest I can be without looking too skinny. I'm just over 5ft 7 so I think that's reasonable. Today I (re)discovered a large bag of clothes, nothing bigger than a size 6 and a lot of them much, much smaller than that. Looking at them, I couldn't at first imagine how they ever fitted me ... and then I remembered how boney I used to be and that kind of answered my question. I don't think I could even get a leg in any of them now! I had a brief moment of feeling bad about how I look now and it's churned up a lot of emotions. Nonetheless, all those clothes are now bagged up and outside my door waiting for the recycling man to come and collect them in the morning. It might have taken me years but those were the last vestiges of my struggles with disordered eating and I am finally letting them go. 

Stage 1, just about done.
 

Intensity and Variety

With the school holidays now well underway, I'm finding that I have to get a little bit more creative with my training. I simply don't have the usual amount of time to devote to my workouts. Quite apart from anything else this makes me cranky so I've been thinking about alternatives. It's not necessarily an easy thing for me - while most of my life is extremely haphazard, when it comes to training I am a stickler for routine! However, I can deal with change if I can convince myself that it was my choice. I happened to have today to myself so I chose to forego the usual Thursday activities and go for a nice run somewhere different. This is where I was:

Any guesses? This might give it away. The boat in the photo is called the Maid of the Loch:

I went up to Loch Lomond for a change of scenery. This is one of the (few) good things about living in Glasgow - you've got propery scenery just a short distance away :) Of course, I don't have time to be popping lochwards every day so I've been thinking about what I can actually do to ensure that I a) get a good workout each day but b) don't neglect child while doing so.

This is where intense workouts come in. These can be done in only 20 minutes but you will feel like you have most definitely worked. In terms of running, I go to the track and do 100m sprints (and I mean sprints). 10 x 100m with a walk back recovery. By rep four, you will hate yourself. By rep six, you will want to die. By the end of rep ten? You are a goddess ... in the form of a snivelling (possibly puking) sweaty heap at the end of the track. The last time I did this session, an older lady came up to speak to me at the end. Apparently she'd been watching me since about halfway through (though I hadn't noticed her as I was too busy hurting). I was slightly wary since I am noticably more muscular than your average woman and I very often get unkind comments about it but she couldn't have been sweeter. She said that she's often seen me out and about running round our neighbourhood and she thinks I'm "phenomenal". She completely made my day :) My other intense running workout is hill sprints. Find a big hill, run up it, jog down, do it again, and again, and again.

In terms of strength training, I like to use large compound movements in a circuit - squats, deadlifts etc. Coincidentally, I've been reading Nia Shanks blog lately and there's something there that I need to try - advanced burpees. Check her out: http://www.niashanks.com/blog/time-crunch-workouts

I have to confess that even though I do them, burpees are one of those exercises that I never fail to bitch and moan about. I think they do have value though. So they are on the agenda for tomorrow.

And now it's time for some relaxation. A nice pink glass of wine and some Fassbending dvd action :)

More on school holiday friendly workouts next time.

Back

Things have been a bit hectic lately hence the lack of blogging that's been going on. I seem to have managed just about everything except that ... and the ironing. I have time for only one of these activities tonight. Wrinkled clothes it is then!

Gothenburg was fab. The hotel we stayed at was perfect for our needs: inexpensive, central, decent gym, pool and sauna and (fanfare) the best buffet breakfast in Sweden! I tend to approach a buffet in the manner of Shaggy and Scooby Doo. Over the course of two days my intake included cereal, seeded bread, two kinds of crisp bread, yoghurt, fruit, rosehip soup, cheese (soft and hard), smoked ham and turkey, sausages, bacon, meatballs, eggs, pickled cucumbers, strawberry marmalade, cakes, cookies, fruit juice, coffee and chocolate milk. I consider that a job well done! It was sufficient to fuel many hours of sightseeing including several boat trips, museums, islands and parks anyway.

I could definitely spend more time in Sweden. What's not to love? They have houses like this:

And idyllic islands like this:

And cake, there's lots of cake ... but no pics of that because my mouth is quicker than my camera :)

The Birds

I slept very badly last night, to the point where it was just ridiculous. I had a nice relaxing bubble bath before bed which left me feeling nice and sleepy but as soon as I got between the sheets, bing! my eyes were wide open. So despite plans for a nice long run first thing this morning, I decided it would be more useful to sneak back to bed for an hour or so once my son had gone to school. So I did that and I did get some sleep. I know this because I had really disturbing dreams! It was one of those dreams where it takes a while to realise that you are still asleep and it's not real. Some folks say there's nothing more boring than hearing about other people's dreams. If so, look away now :)

In the dream, I heard noises in the kitchen but was too lazy to investigate (see how real this is already?) They weren't big noises like something catastrophic was happening, more scritching and scratching and rustling. I guess I assumed that a mouse had found his way in. Imagine my surprise then when I finally went out into the hall and there was a pigeon sitting there. Then, in the kitchen itself, there was a whole gang of them. One bird might have accidentally flown in but not a whole flock. I saw that they had in fact hatched in the space next to the washing machine (the horror, the horror). The mother was nowhere to be seen and I was now stuck with seven or eight pigeons milling about my kitchen. I did what I had to ... I legged it out the kitchen, closed the door firmly behind me and went back to bed.  Alas, I had forgotten the bold one in the hall. There's a gap under my bedroom door and I could see a little birdy shaped shadow beneath it. An inquisitive beak appeared round the door so I went over and prodded it back out again, only for it to reappear. Apparently proper action was needed to deal with curious pigeon. I threw some clothes on and prepared to take him outside. I opened the door to our flat and he followed me out into the close. When I got to the front door (he had dream-morphed into something the size of a seagull by this time), he refused to go out so I grabbed him by the beak and carried him. For reasons unknown, there were lots of workmen in the front garden and there I was, ill-dressed and dangling a large bird by the beak. I thought that if I just threw him into the air, he would get the idea and just fly. I threw him, he thudded to the ground, got up and shook his head and then started to try and come back inside. I grabbed him and threw him again. Same deal and all the while the workmen were laughing and blatantly not helping. I threw him one last time and made my own bid for the door, slamming it shut behind me. I realised then that I still had the rest of the birds in the kitchen to deal with and my heart just sank. Thankfully I then woke up before I could fail any harder.

I hate dreams like that. I woke from it feeling stressed and distressed and frankly a little sick. It seems to me that it's an anxiety dream (which would totally make sense) but I would rather sleep be my refuge in times of stress. Ick to all that.

What I have done this weekend

1) I have eaten too much, far too much. We went out for dinner on Friday night and I had a vegetarian Indian Thali. The portion was too large of course but put a bowl of dhal in front of me and I will hoover that baby right up and later discomfort be damned. I also had some raspberry and rhubarb frangipane tart which was fab. Today I made a massive vat of veggie chilli. It's super tasty and ostensibly meant to do us for dinners during the week. In reality, I have taste-tested it every time I've walked past the cooker so there's probably not too much left. I have also rediscovered the simple joys of the humble chocolate digestive :) I'm happy to eat indulgently once in a while so long as I enjoy it. There's nothing worse than deciding to have a foody treat and then have it be disappointing (yes, last Saturday's iced gingerbread, I am talking about you).
2) I watched a few films: Black Swan, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows and The Crow. I've seen them all before, many times in the case of The Crow. Mindless viewing was the name of the game because ...
3) I've finally been cracking on with some knitting and crochet projects that I've had on the go for a while. I manage to finish commissions within a decent time scale but things I'm making for myself or for the house tend to fall by the wayside a bit. Lately I've been putting films on in the evening and doing circuits while watching them so it felt a bit odd to be there in my recliner, needles and yarn in hand instead of on the floor, exercising away. It felt good though. I'm working on something which, were I bit grander, I would call art. I really like a lot of Teesha Moore's stuff. There's a textural quality that really appeals to me and that's definitely an influence on what I'm doing now.
4) Lastly, I overcame the urge to do something really petty. I may even have managed to be magnanimous instead! But I cannot lie, the bitch within was not easy to tame and she may pop up again sooner rather than later 

Mojo dojo

I have been running again :) I'd really let it slip by the wayside while waiting for my back injury to heal. Well, my back has been better for a while now and it occurred to me last week that I spend way more time chatting it up on the running forum than I do actually running. Not good.

The desire to get back into running properly was closely followed by us managing to get cheap flights for a few days away. We are off to Gothenburg two weeks today! The wee man wants to go swimming in the sea. I checked it out and some of the islands in the archipelago have beaches and are safe for swimming :) I'm so excited. It's been a mighty long time since I last swam in the sea (was probably St Andrews May Day Dip in 1997 - cold was not the word!). It does however mean that my sturdy Scottish self is going to be seen half naked in amongst lots of beautiful blond Swedish people. If that's not an incentive to get bikini ready then I'm not sure what is.

No major weight loss required - just a bit of fine tuning and for me that always starts with getting in those miles and making sure that I fit in a good swim session or two as well as my usual gym work outs. Getting back to running after a bit of a lay off is always a nice experience. You get that "Whee! Look! I can still do this!" feeling and the novelty of doing longer runs again overcomes any doubts that I have. I'm always scared that I'll somehow lose the knack but that's yet to happen.

Once I've got myself whipped into what I consider decent shape, I'll put a new profile pic up. That's incentive part two. In the mean time, it's sunspots. I think they're pretty.

Want vs Need: Part 2

I was going to reference Of Mice and Men at this point but really it's more Of Plonkers and Men (or merely Men who are Plonkers). Nowhere is my struggle to separate what I want from what I need more evident than in the men I have chosen to date/live with/spawn with.

The men that I want are, by and large, completely unsuitable. I don't deliberately go after bad boys but I certainly seem (on a subconscious level) to like them to be a bit inconsiderate or at least possessed of the kind of flaw which you could write a Greek tragedy around.

I had the occasional boyfriend at high school but nothing serious. My first proper grown up boyfriend was called Paul. He looked like a cross between Jesus and one of the BeeGees (possibly Barry, if he is one. Not Robin anyway and that's the main thing). I was 17, he was roughly double my age. He was artistic, musical, creative ... he was also unemployed and something of an alcoholic. Luckily I had a place at a university in a town on the east coast and made good my escape.

I remember my very first night in the halls of residence. All us freshers were herded into groups and the enforced socialisation began! That evening I acquired three suitors, two of whom were nice boys and one of whom was an arrogant shit. I think we can guess who I chose in the end. Reader, he broke my heart. Eventually I recovered and a new man caught my eye. Again, he was older and I thought I didn't stand a chance with him but apparently I did. We were together for 5 years and I don't think that I have ever loved anyone the way that I loved him.  They say opposites attract and that may well be true - it doesn't mean that they'll be able to stay together though. I realised that I couldn't spend the rest of my days with a man who was, amongst other things, a capitalist. I was far too much of a lefty hippy for him. Breaking up was the right thing to do, of that I have no doubt, but it hurt like no other.

The other men in my life seem to fall into two camps - the psychotic and the utterly banal. I am a sucker for the under dog but tire quickly of those with negative attitudes. I don't require my partner to have an awesome physique but I am ultimately intolerant of laziness or a lack of get up and go. I thought maybe my expectations were too high so I dated outside of what I would usually go for. There was the pilot with the porsche - sorry but fancy cars, big houses and other big things cannot make up for the fact that you are boring. Money does not impress me. I dated a car mechanic who was very nice. We liked lots of the same things but there was just no spark. Worse yet, he seemed unaware that there was no spark (despite the fact that I fell asleep the first time he kissed me. Yes, during). I retired from the dating scene since it appeared that I was not yet ready to settle.

(This section is currently undergoing some reconstruction and will be back shortly)


I can't envisage being alone for the rest of my life but I have realised that I do not trust my judgement.  When it comes to men, I don't know what's best for me or what I really need. Things are going to be kept on a strictly casual basis from now on. By and large that's fine ... except that it means that I won't be going anywhere near the lovely Mr Bear after all. He wants more than casual and I'm not prepared to go there at the moment.

In the mean time, I will continue on the path of fitness. It has never let me down :)

I think I have my running mojo back this week but more about that tomorrow.

Night all x