Shark Girl - Needs Bigger Pond

aka "Will these hands ne'er be clean?"

It's not always easy to judge other people's motives. Sometimes even my own are obscured and it takes me a while to figure them out. More than once I have compared myself to Zaphod Beeblebrox because there are things hidden in my brain and the dastardly fiend that hid them is none other than myself. However, a life unexamined is not the life for me (as long time readers of this blog will know!) I have friends who, on the surface, seems to do loads in their lives and yet I see them making the same mistakes over and over again because they never look at why something didn't work out or how exactly they cocked things up. They never stop to analyse if there's something that's within their power to change to increase the chances of a positive outcome next time. Self examination can be a useful tool, when used correctly.

Stagnation

In recent months I have done the opposite; I have become weighed down by the process of trying to decipher what I need to do to move forward in my life. I have examined myself to a stand still. This is not good news. I am like a shark* - if I don't keep moving I will die. There are many things that I want but I was scared to fully embark on any of my chosen paths. Why? I am indecisive by nature, this is true, but it is also a cop out. When I really want something, I can damn well go after it. In fact, there are some things that I have pursued recently and they all have one thing in common. They take me away from here. For however long a period, they let me escape my current living situation. When I looked at that from the other angle I realised that the thing that was truly holding me back from training for a new career was not an inability to decide whether I wanted to be a PT/sports therapist/writer/nutrionist/hula dancer/whatever. The great big obstacle is that I don't want to train and put the effort into building a business here. I don't want to invest in this place. Short term, I can just about deal with living here but let's be honest. It depresses the absolute crap out of me. If I go for a run to lift my spirits after a hard day or as a nice wake up first thing in the morning, I don't want to have to spend the first few miles dodging broken glass, dog crap and pools of vomit before I get to some greenery. I do not want to be here.

Smallness not required

It's not just the physical or economic nature of my surroundings that grate. It's also the mentality of the people. I studied literature at university, mostly English lit but also some Scottish and the character of the Scot was discussed at great length on many an occasion. A lot of it was twaddle, as undergrad poseur ideas often are, but some it rings true. We can be an insular bunch ... and those who aren't don't hang around. They leave. I left and I should never have come back. Glaswegians are a proud people but I don't feel that sense of pride in my birthplace. It feels like some giant cuckoo brought me from elsewhere and sneaked me into a wee Glaswegian nest. It feels to me like this is not the place for people with big dreams. This is the place for people who will be content with a small life. There is nothing wrong with that. Contentment is something I still dream about achieving but I know deep down that my contentment will not come from zumba with the girls on Friday, lunch at Weatherspoons with my boys on a Saturday and standing on the touch line in the pissing rain cheering my man on in some bloody game of five-a-side on a Sunday morning, every week from now until the four horsemen come galloping.

I recently ended a relationship. I did not utter the words "It's not you, it's me" but that was very much the case. Why else would you finish with someone who is kind, funny, good at the things that matter (you know what I mean) and who treats you like a goddess? What sort of arse would do that? This sort of arse, that's who. He was happy with so little and at first I thought that was kind of sweet, and then it rankled occasionally and I began to suspect that long term, it would really begin to grate. I'm not talking about material things, they do not matter to me. I'm talking about the fact that he had no ambition, no desire to be better, to improve himself. I am no Lady Macbeth but I need someone with a bit of fire in his belly and, more importantly, someone with the vision and imagination to know that there are better things out there to work towards and the drive to have a shot at it. It's not success I'm looking for so much as the desire. I could not see myself in it for the long haul with a guy who wanted nothing more when he finished work than to pop home and get his slippers on every single night. Predictability is also not for me. When it comes to child-rearing and training schedules, I am all for routine. Otherwise, hit me with some spontaneity, go wild, do something different, keep me on my toes ... even if you annoy me occasionally! I would rather be annoyed than bored.

So I finished with him. I knew from past experience that I would struggle to stay with a nice guy and I needed to stop it before it went any further. As a measure of just how nice he really is, he sent me a lovely letter shortly after I ended it telling me how wonderful I was and wishing me all the best for the future. I have to be honest, it was far more than I deserved. Shark that I am, once my mind is made up I go for it. By the time that letter arrived, I had already put it behind me and had my next target in sight.

Addiction

It was perhaps not quite that cold but the truth is that I am an anticipation junkie. I need something to look forward to, something to entice me to keep going. The flip side of this is that once I get it, I tend to crash hard. It's almost like crash dieting where you abstain from, say, chocolate and so all your waking thoughts are of chocolate, you dream of chocolate, if you close your eyes you can almost taste the damn chocolate. So you say to yourself, on this date I will have a big bar of chocolate all to myself and I will enjoy it and that will be that, end of story. So you look forward to that date and you have the big bar and it is good but you still feel like crap afterwards because what is there left to look forward to now? Nothing. The anticipation, which is almost as good as the consumption itself, is gone and you are left with nothing ... until the next time. It's not the most positive of processes but it's definitely one of the ones that seems hard-wired into my brain. So how can I use that to my advantage?

Momentum

By using it to create momentum in my life, that's how. By anticipating positive events and outcomes that will then generate further things to look forward to. To this end, so far this week I have put one plan into action and have two more on the back burner which I will hopefully be able to get stuck into when the new school term starts. Phase one: I am training to be a nutritionist. Originally I had envisioned doing this as part of my PT training but if I do this first, I will be qualified to a level where I can work as a nutritionist while I complete the rest of the PT training. I'm very excited about this because it fits nicely into the master plan. I can set up online nutrition coaching and so the whole getting stuck in Glasgow scenario becomes a moot point and I can just get on and do it. The relief is palpable! I've been discussing a move with the other half of my wee family of two and he's given it a big thumbs up. Destination to be decided but to be honest, it doesn't particularly matter so long as there are decent public transport links (poor old Ma is not up to long drives these days). It may well come down to simply sticking a pin in a map!

*In fact, my nickname at uni was the shark, though that was more to do with my rather direct approach to the dating game!