Thinking a bit bigger

It's well known that I like a bit of a challenge! Truth be told, I don't think I've ever taken the easy route to anything in my life. I like to go the hard and painful road, it's just the way my psyche works. I think what I'm searching for is not the ability to say, for example, "I managed three sets of 100 press ups." It's more the personal knowledge that it was really fucking hard but I pulled through it. That's what I admire, that's what I'm after. Not necessarily the achievement itself but having the physical and mental fortitude to tough it out and the psychological power you can draw from that. I suppose that's why endurance sports have always appealed to me. I think it's also why I have a bit of a thing about The Biggest Loser!

I have to confess that I watch both the US and Australian versions religiously (and sometimes the UK one but I have far less interest in that now that Angie Dowds has gone). I cry my way through several episodes during Tuesday turbo sessions. It's phenomenal to see the amount of weight they lose and insane to consider the amount of training they have to do, especially given that some of these guys weigh two or even three times what I do. But what really gets me, and it's particularly well illustrated in the Aussie version, is the whole mental turn around. They come to the end of the series feeling like champions, believing in themselves and in their ability to go out into the world and make the life that they want happen. I don't have the weight to lose so I will not ever go on that particular journey but it does get me thinking about what I could do to forge a little more faith in myself. What could I do that would actually impress and inspire me? Because I am by far my harshest critic and that's no use. If I want my life to start going in a better direction (and I do), I need to be my biggest cheerleader. I need to be able to talk myself up instead of doing myself down. I guess I thought positive self talking was innate and I was thus screwed! Actually, if it's a learned and acquired skill then I could well be in business. It's a most heartening realisation.

I had a bit of a revelation this past week. All that up there? None of that is news to me. I know where I'm at mentally, I just haven't been able to find the key to solving that problem. My epiphany is likely not the key either but it might well be the first stepping stone towards it. My week started badly, very very badly ... to the point where I think I spent virtually all of Tuesday in tears: I cooked - I cried, I ran - I cried, I went to spin - I cried. Not good. It was a bad day. But in the midst of it, someone was there for me and I leaned on them a little bit and it helped. Not only did it help but the ground didn't crack open and swallow me whole, I didn't explode into a million tiny pieces, the world did not end. As with many things, I am good at supporting and motivating other people but not so good at accepting it in return. Clearly this is stupid. If one of my friends is sad, tired, in need of a hug etc I have no issue stepping up to the plate. If I'm thinking of someone, I'm happy to send them a note or a message just to let them know that they're in my thoughts but it's not something that I expect to be reciprocated. I just like to do it. Maybe I have been really dumb in not allowing people to do it for me. You know where I'm going with this, right? Yep.

"No man is an island" 

Turns out that I am not either. The tide has changed and lo and behold, a causeway has been revealed. I have a few challenges on the table for this year and one of them is to let myself be helped a bit more. I am an absolute horror for insisting on doing things on my own. I think part of that was borne of necessity and part is simply the single parent paranoia of needing to look capable and showing that you are able to do without anyone else. But you know what? I have done every single thing myself for the past 12 years so I think I can safely relax in the knowledge that I am capable. I don't have anything else to prove to myself on that score.  I think that by letting people in a bit more, I might achieve far greater things. That's the challenge I've set myself - to take help when it's offered, to accept the support of my like-minded buddies, to allow myself to be encouraged by others. In short, to stop being such a ridiculous asshole of a woman ;)

With this in mind, I have allowed myself to be persuaded into entering a 40 mile charity run in May. I do not expect that I will run the whole way (indeed, I do not intend to) but I do intend to cross that finish line. It may well be ugly but I won't be on my own (I don't need to be on my own - my mind is blown). That, so much as achieving the distance, will be the real victory for me. 

So 2012 is now looking something like this:

K2B 40 miler - it's a scary long way!
Thunder Run - trail running, yay! Camping, yay! Meeting lots of people, a scary yay!
VLT - just don't think about the swim ...
3 x 100 press ups: reboot - it's worse the second time because I know what's coming

and last but not least, opening the frigging door a crack and letting people in - might even be harder than the swimming ... nah!

A new synergistic approach - bring it!