Short, sharp and sweet

You know, with everything that's been going on lately I was starting to wonder if I'd lost my mojo a bit. But you know what? I don't think I have.

Total time spent in the gym so far this week: 1 hour, split over two sessions. Monday's session was 35 mins (some of which was simply catching up on gossip - that's what the watercooler's there for, right?), Wednesday's session was a mere 25 mins. You might wonder what the point of such short sessions is or even whether it's worth getting your gear on for that amount of time. Firstly, it is always worth getting into your lycra but more importantly (maybe ... I do like my lycra!) it allows for greater focus and intensity ... and greater results.

We're talking quality not quantity

That may seem strange coming from me, a person who will happily (and does happily) train two to three times a day most days of the week. My overall training volume is high and that's the way I like it. A few short sessions spread out over the day makes sense to me for several reasons:

- in terms of time management. I fit in short sessions first thing in the morning, at lunch time and again later in the evening. That appeals far more than having to wait till work is done for the day and then go and putz about in the gym for an hour or so and fits in better with parental duties.
- keeping my eating clean and controlled. If I know I'm training at lunch time, it makes no sense to be eating crap mid-morning - it'll ruin my workout ... and this applies all through the day. It's part of my being mindful about my food. If I'm constantly just fuelling and re-fuelling, I'm not driving myself nuts with cravings.
- it regulates my mood. Poor night's sleep - half hour run first thing to clear the head. Crap morning at work - lunch time swim to blast your frustrations. Stuck in traffic for a million years on the way home - break out the barbell when you get back and squat the pain away!
- it maximises caloric burn. Get your sessions spot on and you'll not only burn calories during them but also get a good afterburn. Time it right and it's like all day interval training! 

That's my reasoning behind the high volume. Nonetheless, I still consider my training to be heavier on quality than quantity. Take, for example, my recent gym sessions.

With only half an hour to hand, you go for the supersets. In the earlier stages of my challenge, I was doing antagonistic supersets, working opposing muscles (e.g. biceps and triceps, chest and back) with no rest between exercises. Good for mass but not great for definition. Now I'm into the final month and still supersetting but using two exercises for the same muscle group (e.g. tricep pulldowns followed by dips). Choose your exercises carefully and you can do it all from one bench or piece of equipment and save the time you'd normally spend waiting to get on the lat pulldown or whatever. I believe same muscle supersetting promotes greater definition. We'll see in four weeks time if this is true!

In the mean time, I have noticed some changes which I suspect are a result of a combination of my pulls up regime and my extra swimming. Take a look (and ignore the pre-bubble bath hairdo if you please) :

Baby got back!

Ignore the lack of gun flex and check out the sneaky lat action.

I'm thinking that I need to get someone to take pics of me at the gym (yep, I've even got a poor sucker in mind to be my photographer too - he just doesn't know it yet!) It is very hard to get decent pics of yourself with no tripod. Also, the lighting at the gym makes me look way more awesome! That said, I'm happier now that things are moving in the right direction (and highly entertained by the size of my shoulders in relation to my waist). Superhero proportions are not easy to attain and even though I have very humanly half-assed it and messed up on occasion, I think I'm going to get decently close to the mark. Should have had a little more faith in myself from the start but at least now I've got it from here on in.

Almost in the home straight now - guess I'd better start scoping out a Catwoman costume, huh? :)

Bright lights

I guess the last post seemed like a bit of a downer but in all honesty, I feel better for having got it all off my chest and, more importantly, out of my head. Baggage dumped, notes taken, time to move on!

This week will see me entering the final month of my challenge! Things are not quite how I had hoped they would be at this point. I lost more weight last week. Ordinarily, I can go months without weighing myself - the actual number is less important to me than how my body looks and feels - but I certainly felt like I was getting a bit thin. Scale confirmed it - another two pounds down, making it a loss of five over the past two weeks. Part of my aim for this week then is to stop that slide! Puny is not where it's at (particularly since the bikini I bought for the final photo results is now too bloody big and there is nothing sadder than a baggy bikini)

Weight issues aside I feel good :) I'm going to increase my strength training this week - I'm planning an extra session and aiming to go heavier on my squats. Next week, will be ultra deadlift time!

Triathlon base building will continue as well. I have a sneaking suspicion that this has been the cause of the weight loss to be honest. It involves more cardio than I have done in a long time. Obviously I don't fuel heavily before a swim but I think I need to make sure that I do better with my post-swim eating. My lack of technique makes it a harder work out than it needs to be and I have never done this volume of work in the pool in my life before.

Speaking of tri swimming, today I trained with the big boys for the first time! :) I've been doing three swim sessions a week and it happens that on Mondays and Fridays, the tri guys (as I call them) train at the same time as me. Today they invited me to join them. They are at a far more advance level than I am (truthfully I am still feeling my way a bit with the swimming) and I only completed half the session they did. That I even managed to get my ass in that pool and do any of it was a victory to me. We were talking in the sauna afterwards and one of the guys has offered to help me out a bit with my technique. Good times.

So rough plan for the week: eat more (lots more), lift more, keep moving forward and be awesome!


There you go, my sweet friends, something a bit cheerier for you all to read :)

This is erring on the side of lameness but I can't not say it. To every one of you who has been in touch with me recently to offer your support and understanding, thank you. You would be amazed to know how much it means to me and how touched and honoured I am to have such great people in my life. Thanks guys (((hugs))))

Letting it all go

I was planning a post detailing some specific workouts that I do (will appear at some point Marion, I promise) but that's not uppermost in my mind at the moment. I have the training all planned out and I just need to do it - attention but not deep thought required.

And I need to think. Part of the purpose of this blog is to look at myself and use that to make improvements. Physical changes and challenges? I can do that, I am more than comfortable with it. I have been very focused on working towards what I consider to be a decent body. But it seems that the more I focus on honing the body, the more my mind falls apart. It's not coincidence - there's a decent amount of avoidance going on there! I really really need to work on this. I have learned that the body will not get me what I want. I could have a six-pack and buns of steel ... and still feel like a failure. I do feel like a failure. I need to fix my head.

I was fairly intellectual when I was younger and that didn't really change until I had a child - pregnancy brain that never went away, trauma of idiotic kids tv, not conversing with anyone over 2ft tall for years on end - any of these could be the culprit. In any case, my brain does not function at quite such a high level these days.

Actually, none of those are the real reason for the mental shut down. The truth is that I had a very rough few years, dealing with PND and eating disorders, and it got to the point where even thinking hurt. Up until that time, thinking and writing were my processes for dealing with difficult issues and many times my salvation. They became unsafe activities because once the wheels of my mind were set in motion, I had no idea if I could stop them and if you're feeling suicidal, it's best not to go there. I haven't written anything, save this blog, for years (as evidenced by the rusty writing skills). I think so little these days that it makes me indecisive because I haven't given myself the brain time to form an opinion. I have tried just going on gut instinct instead of conscious thought and that just got me hurt (several times over). I have spent hours upon hours training so I can avoid dealing with the things that I need to pay attention to.

I can't do it anymore. I just can't. To borrow a phrase (thanks Mr Gentilcore) I should be pissing excellence, instead I am haemorraging failure. It needs to stop. Obviously the training stays because I love it and it's part and parcel of who I am but there is serious work required on the pyschological side and I can no longer avoid it. There is little sense in physical strength without the mental stamina to back it up. Sorting my head out can only be a good thing and I suspect it will have good knock on effect with my training. Worth doing for that alone!

I've been thinking (yes!) about how to approach this and I thought back to how I first approached making physical improvements and one word kept coming to me - habit. I used to keep a food diary: what I was eating, when, how exactly was I feeling before I dived face first into that chocolate cake ... and how I felt after. It helped me to identify what my bad habits were and any triggers associated with them. I have developed some bad thought habits: there are various triggers but they all lead to the same reactions - guilt, blame, self-flagellation. I am highly self-critical which, up to a point, can be helpful. It can help you push harder, further, faster. It can also lead to you giving yourself such a mental smack down that you barely make it back up onto your feet again.

Case in point: there was an arrangement recently which didn't pan out the way I had wanted it to. Is it the end of the world? Not at all. Was the way it turned out anything to do with my part in the proceedings? Nope, I don't think so. On a logical level, I'm aware of these things but on a more visceral level, there is a whirlwind of stuff going on. I had an abusive partner many years ago and my mind instantly flashes back to all the stuff he used to say to belittle me. Things which I should give no credence to because it was all part of the manipulation and yet .... I do. In this particular situation, it led to me seeking assurance about whether the outcome of the situation was due to a flaw of mine. And I hated myself for doing it. Hated (actually, still hating - will work on that). Because I do not see myself as the sort of person who has to beg for reassurance and really I know that one thing had nothing to do with the other - it was just that it came at the wrong time. At the end of a hard week with too much going on, my child still poorly, job still in jeopardy etc etc if I'd gone to the shop and they hadn't had the particular brand of coffee I wanted, it would have elicited the same response. This is bonkers of course but very useful knowledge!

The same feelings arise from very different situations, mentally (and to some extent emotionally) the same weight is given to these things. That's all kinds of ridiculous but it points very clearly to there being stuff going on mentally just under the surface and incidents where things don't go to plan then become opportunities for my subconscious to try and draw my attention to dealing with it. Life is not routine and I need to get myself back on an even keel so I can deal with whatever comes my way - I need to be Brandon Lee as Eric Draven, just pushing through and getting shit done however impossible it seems.

Step one: pay attention to how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.
Step two: stop trying to suppress my emotions. Bottling everything up is my worst habit and it is toxic.
Step three: I can prop my friends up when they feel low. I need to learn to prop myself up instead of beating myself down further.
Step four: trust the judgement of my friends. I may think I'm a useless POS much of the time but they don't - who's to say I'm the one that's right?

Speaking of friends, I have friend who sensed I was struggling with a few things (I don't know if she reads here or not but here's a *wave* just in case:)) and she sent me a book. It's called Choosing Happiness and was written by Stephanie Dowrick. It speaks to me of mindfulness which is hugely useful concept in so many ways. I need to pay more attention to the positives.

Another friend put things much more concisely than I have here: he said I have to love myself before I trust anyone else to love me. He's right. I don't love me so I can't even begin to fathom why anyone else would (perhaps why they don't!) It's not an immediate concern but I need to start working on these things now or else I will end up a very lonely old lady indeed. Currently, I am just a sad, confused and slightly grumpy heading-for-middle age lady so I've still got plenty of room for manoeuvre :)

I will apologise now for any typos - I'm not going to proof read this before posting. I know me of old and I know that will result in me not posting this at all. It's probably not comfortable reading and there are no pretty pictures (apologies to you know who - next time maybe). It was every bit as difficult to write as I suspected it would be but at least it's a start.




Cowabunga! (What, you didn't think I could make a 100% serious post, did you?)

Halfway

Five weeks down, five to go.

I'm sure that I had great intentions for getting some quality training in just before the halfway mark in the hopes of posting some decent stats. That may not have happened! Indeed, it could be that last weekend, I ate off plan, had too much wine (only a few glasses but way more than I would usually have), slept too little and did no formal training (though it appears that I managed to burn some calories somehow). I weighed in on Sunday night and appeared to have lost three pounds over the weekend. Mostly dehydration from the alcohol but those pounds have not made a reappearance.

I'm relatively happy with how things are going so far. A quick check with the tape measure shows I've lost more than an inch and a half off my waist and hips, an inch off each thigh .... and gained an inch on my ass - result! Don't worry, I'm not going to prove it by posting pictures of my butt.

I'm feeling good physically. Had a great session at the gym last night and a really enjoyable trail run this morning. I've got all my training planned for the next couple of weeks and I'm looking forward to all of it (though my return to yoga tomorrow after over a month off may be hard going!)

It seems the thing that I'm going to have to be most careful about is making sure that I eat enough and making sure that I eat a bit better either side of my training sessions. The intention is not really to lose any more weight. It was never really a weight loss exercise to begin with but I need to check the number on the scale because, truthfully, I can't look at my reflection in the mirror or look at a photo and see what size I really am. I just don't see it. I know what size jeans I wear but my eye always sees a body that's at least a size or two bigger. That's not going to be useful when the time comes for shopping for my catsuit ;)

Mastermind

There are things that we can control and things that are completely outwith our control. It's important to choose wisely with the first and to fully acknowledge the second ... and thus not let it mess with the first!

Let me clarify: I can only control my actions. I can't dictate what other people do. Therefore I shouldn't let their behaviour impact negatively on me. I need to just keep doing my thing, focus on my goals and let the rest of the world go on around me as it will. My stressing about it won't change the situation but it might well scupper my chances of achieving my goals - unacceptable!

My current life situation is not a happy one. We're talking problems with work, family, health - you name it! It would be easy to get completely overwhelmed and truthfully, I have cried myself to sleep at least twice this week. That's okay - it's a case of better out than in. It's also been the big red flag I needed to take a bit better care of myself. It seems that I'm getting that little bit closer to the edge than is comfortable and it's time to pull back.

When I'm stressed I'm less mindful of my eating and more prone to injury. It's not that I eat badly - I tend to not eat enough and then I train more than usual in an attempt at stress relief and it's not a happy combination. The past couple of days, I have managed to pick my eating up a bit more :) I'm taking steps to remedy the work situation. The family and health problems I have less control over so my key to dealing with them is a combination of fortitude and distraction. I will put up with it while thinking happy thoughts about other things.

The other things I'm thinking about are numerous. My catwoman challenge is still top of the list. I'm one month in and things are looking not too shabby. My abs are starting to come back into what I consider decent shape for me (I can never really get a full on six pack because several pregnancies have certainly left their mark on my lower stomach but I can get a decent four and nice cuts on my hips). My intention for the first half of the challenge was along the lines of a fairly clean bulk. My strength is definitely up and I'm going to keep on my bulking diet for the next week and then start to cut. I'm afraid I'm a bit of a saddo when it comes to cutting. I enjoy it! I'm not even good at maths but there's something strangely satisfying about working out your macros and paying great attention to detail - it's probably the fact that it works so well. In the words of Hannibal (not Lecter or the elephant dude, the other one), "I love it when a plan comes together" :)

Workout-wise for the next week, the focus is still strength with the addition of some explosive power. This means hitting up the big compound moves: a variety of squats (including hack squats - so evil, so good), two deadlift sessions - one at decent effort, one at a lower weight but with the addition of a Farmer's Walk, and a good shot at clean and pressing. I'm not doing any specific ab work just now - crunches are not where it's at. Lift heavy and lift well, do some bodyweight exercises, eat properly and the abs will take care of themselves.

I'll be adding in one of my love-hate workouts - a sprint session at the track. 10 x 100m with walk back recovery. It hurts ... and it works.

I also need to factor in some training for what comes after the Catwoman challenge. It appears that I am doing a triathlon next year. The swimming needs work, lots of it so I'll be aiming to hit the pool for at least three lunch time sessions. As an incentive, this is how I look in my trisuit now:

Kind of meh. The plan is to look awesome! I'm hoping that'll detract from my lacklustre performance!

There was meant to be something sensible here

I have two half-finished posts waiting in the wings - they are about sensible things like the importance of eating clean and the ass-tastic joys of squatting (hack squats in particular - people get on it! I will explain why later - with pictures! - in the mean time, just do it. Your ass and quads will thank you, truly. Mine look awesome!)

Truthfully though, I haven't been able to complete those posts in any sensible sort of way. My mind has been over-run by a number of other things: illness, the threat of redundancy (for the second time in as many years!) and a randomly distracting hot dude.

My bubba has now been diagnosed with glandular fever. He's not been himself for weeks and now we know why. Frankly it sucks. He feels like crap, he's tired all the time and yet not sleeping well and is too ill to do much more than hang about the house. Hanging about the house at someone else's behest is one of my least favourite things to do. Makes me so frustrated I could burst (this is a theme at the moment). The new school term is meant to start next week and that usually heralds the start of a serious training regime for me - joy, joy, joy! Except not, because he may not be well enough to attend school :( And he's miserable and sore which is just crap. If I could take the hit for this and spare him, I totally would. I could deal and I hate that he has to.

The redundancy thing? Well, that's an arse, no two ways about it. However, it has put me in mind of a few things. Prior to splitting with my ex, we had discussed moving somewhere else, starting over. I do not particularly enjoy living where I do. I have nice neighbours and I'm handy for work but everything else is pretty grim. I'd happily live somewhere else and jnr feels the same. He hates it here - he is not your typical Glasgow male, not will he ever be (amen) and is amenable to moving. So maybe we should just go. Workwise, I have things in mind for the future. They require a bit of retraining (but I can do that via distance learning if need be) but I do not need to be in Glasgow to do it. I could go elsewhere. I would really like to move. Before I had jnr in tow, I never stayed very long in one place. I worked in television which meant moving about the country was part and parcel of the job and that was fine. I liked it. If we're going to move, sooner would be better than later. I'm casting my jobsearch net a bit wider than usual - if I get something further afield now, it's all well and good. We could be sorted and settled before it's time for jnr to start high school. If we end up back in England, that's ok. My mum's health is better now than it has been for years so I won't feel so guilty being further away. Truth be told, I was always happy in England and Glasgow makes me miserable. My mum wouldn't want me to be miserable so although I tell myself I'm staying here for her sake, there's a part of me that thinks that's not true. It's just become the easy option. As a place to go climbing and do outdoor sports, Scotland is glorious. To live in one of it's cities is not quite so grand.

Random hot dude? I don't know that I should say anything here because he might read it. All I can say is that someone has got under my skin and I kind of wish that it weren't so. We're hundreds of miles apart, that's not about to change, it's highly impractical and probably pointless to even consider. The thing that really gets me is that he ticks so many of my boxes. I've struggled in the past with finding someone who gets my need to train and understands why I eat the way I do etc. Furthermore, he is someone who I think doesn't have an issue with me having my body the way it is. A guy who doesn't hate muscle! :) I finally come across someone who gets where I'm at with all and he lives at the other end of the country.  Bums. Big fat hairy bums. Big fat pustulated hairy bums. And he's a hottie - damn it all!

Space Time

It's after midnight so technically we are now at T-8 and it's time for a progress report. I don't take measurements every week since I think it might be discouraging. I can tell from the feel of my body though, that things are moving in the right direction. Truthfully, this is more than I deserve. I was thoroughly distracted last week and thus devoted less time and energy to this challenge than I intended. I completed all my scheduled cardio but did miss one strength session. That said, the strength training I did do was completed with intensity! It's been a long time since I've had DOMS that's lasted for days ... and I'd forgotten how satisfying it is. Although I've been talking about this whole challenge in terms of aesthetics, there is more to it than that. Increasing strength is always a goal! I'm pleased that my strength is getting back to what I consider reasonable levels. I'm back to pressing the full stack on the leg press machine at the gym (not using my usual gym and this current one has no squat rack which sucks), bench press is up, pull ups have improved - I'm pushing, pulling, pressing and rowing better than I have in a while.

I think this is partly due to my current diet (I'll do a separate post about that since I have lots to say on the matter!). I'm eating really clean at the moment - lean protein, unlimited veg, good fats, no sugar. For the past couple of weeks, I've been eating carbs in the form of oats, wholegrains and fruit. I eat fairly small amounts of carbs and for the next two weeks I'll be lowering this further and what I do have will be timed around my workouts. I know people always think about carbs in terms of energy and fuel but really all calories are fuel and carbs in high quantities mess horribly with my energy levels and increase my appetite. Personally I can live without the mid-afternoon slump and the desire to consume the entire kitchen in a single sitting. The other reason for lowering my carbs is to get leaner again. Some people can maintain a nice lean body while carbing it up big style- not me!

The one thing that I really struggled badly with over the past week was dehydration. I literally felt dessicated at times - my mouth was like a desert. I certainly thought I was taking on plenty of fluids but I guess my body begged to differ. So, more fluids for me this week.

I spent some time this evening trying to take some progress pics - taking photos of your own body parts is surprisingly difficult! It's tricky too with lighting. I can't imagine that my son would want to help out by wielding the camera but this means never getting pics taken when there's decent light since I have to wait till he's in bed. These ones are here as placemarkers till I get better ones that show more of what's going on muscle wise. Who knew photography would be so hard ...

... Obviously the hardest part is not making a stupid face!