Letting it all go

I was planning a post detailing some specific workouts that I do (will appear at some point Marion, I promise) but that's not uppermost in my mind at the moment. I have the training all planned out and I just need to do it - attention but not deep thought required.

And I need to think. Part of the purpose of this blog is to look at myself and use that to make improvements. Physical changes and challenges? I can do that, I am more than comfortable with it. I have been very focused on working towards what I consider to be a decent body. But it seems that the more I focus on honing the body, the more my mind falls apart. It's not coincidence - there's a decent amount of avoidance going on there! I really really need to work on this. I have learned that the body will not get me what I want. I could have a six-pack and buns of steel ... and still feel like a failure. I do feel like a failure. I need to fix my head.

I was fairly intellectual when I was younger and that didn't really change until I had a child - pregnancy brain that never went away, trauma of idiotic kids tv, not conversing with anyone over 2ft tall for years on end - any of these could be the culprit. In any case, my brain does not function at quite such a high level these days.

Actually, none of those are the real reason for the mental shut down. The truth is that I had a very rough few years, dealing with PND and eating disorders, and it got to the point where even thinking hurt. Up until that time, thinking and writing were my processes for dealing with difficult issues and many times my salvation. They became unsafe activities because once the wheels of my mind were set in motion, I had no idea if I could stop them and if you're feeling suicidal, it's best not to go there. I haven't written anything, save this blog, for years (as evidenced by the rusty writing skills). I think so little these days that it makes me indecisive because I haven't given myself the brain time to form an opinion. I have tried just going on gut instinct instead of conscious thought and that just got me hurt (several times over). I have spent hours upon hours training so I can avoid dealing with the things that I need to pay attention to.

I can't do it anymore. I just can't. To borrow a phrase (thanks Mr Gentilcore) I should be pissing excellence, instead I am haemorraging failure. It needs to stop. Obviously the training stays because I love it and it's part and parcel of who I am but there is serious work required on the pyschological side and I can no longer avoid it. There is little sense in physical strength without the mental stamina to back it up. Sorting my head out can only be a good thing and I suspect it will have good knock on effect with my training. Worth doing for that alone!

I've been thinking (yes!) about how to approach this and I thought back to how I first approached making physical improvements and one word kept coming to me - habit. I used to keep a food diary: what I was eating, when, how exactly was I feeling before I dived face first into that chocolate cake ... and how I felt after. It helped me to identify what my bad habits were and any triggers associated with them. I have developed some bad thought habits: there are various triggers but they all lead to the same reactions - guilt, blame, self-flagellation. I am highly self-critical which, up to a point, can be helpful. It can help you push harder, further, faster. It can also lead to you giving yourself such a mental smack down that you barely make it back up onto your feet again.

Case in point: there was an arrangement recently which didn't pan out the way I had wanted it to. Is it the end of the world? Not at all. Was the way it turned out anything to do with my part in the proceedings? Nope, I don't think so. On a logical level, I'm aware of these things but on a more visceral level, there is a whirlwind of stuff going on. I had an abusive partner many years ago and my mind instantly flashes back to all the stuff he used to say to belittle me. Things which I should give no credence to because it was all part of the manipulation and yet .... I do. In this particular situation, it led to me seeking assurance about whether the outcome of the situation was due to a flaw of mine. And I hated myself for doing it. Hated (actually, still hating - will work on that). Because I do not see myself as the sort of person who has to beg for reassurance and really I know that one thing had nothing to do with the other - it was just that it came at the wrong time. At the end of a hard week with too much going on, my child still poorly, job still in jeopardy etc etc if I'd gone to the shop and they hadn't had the particular brand of coffee I wanted, it would have elicited the same response. This is bonkers of course but very useful knowledge!

The same feelings arise from very different situations, mentally (and to some extent emotionally) the same weight is given to these things. That's all kinds of ridiculous but it points very clearly to there being stuff going on mentally just under the surface and incidents where things don't go to plan then become opportunities for my subconscious to try and draw my attention to dealing with it. Life is not routine and I need to get myself back on an even keel so I can deal with whatever comes my way - I need to be Brandon Lee as Eric Draven, just pushing through and getting shit done however impossible it seems.

Step one: pay attention to how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking.
Step two: stop trying to suppress my emotions. Bottling everything up is my worst habit and it is toxic.
Step three: I can prop my friends up when they feel low. I need to learn to prop myself up instead of beating myself down further.
Step four: trust the judgement of my friends. I may think I'm a useless POS much of the time but they don't - who's to say I'm the one that's right?

Speaking of friends, I have friend who sensed I was struggling with a few things (I don't know if she reads here or not but here's a *wave* just in case:)) and she sent me a book. It's called Choosing Happiness and was written by Stephanie Dowrick. It speaks to me of mindfulness which is hugely useful concept in so many ways. I need to pay more attention to the positives.

Another friend put things much more concisely than I have here: he said I have to love myself before I trust anyone else to love me. He's right. I don't love me so I can't even begin to fathom why anyone else would (perhaps why they don't!) It's not an immediate concern but I need to start working on these things now or else I will end up a very lonely old lady indeed. Currently, I am just a sad, confused and slightly grumpy heading-for-middle age lady so I've still got plenty of room for manoeuvre :)

I will apologise now for any typos - I'm not going to proof read this before posting. I know me of old and I know that will result in me not posting this at all. It's probably not comfortable reading and there are no pretty pictures (apologies to you know who - next time maybe). It was every bit as difficult to write as I suspected it would be but at least it's a start.




Cowabunga! (What, you didn't think I could make a 100% serious post, did you?)